Eclipse Chapter 1

I got through Twilight. And I got through New Moon. We're at the halfway mark!

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Well, here I am again, reviewing more Twishite. Here's what to expect:

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The book literally begins with Bella doing what she's been doing for two books: stalking pretty teen boys whenever they tell her to get lost.

Bella,

I don’t know why you’re making Charlie carry notes to Billy like we’re in second grade — if I wanted to talk to you I would answer the

You made the choice here, okay? You can’t have it both ways when

What part of ‘mortal enemies’ is too complicated for you to

Look, I know I’m being a jerk, but there’s just no way around

We can’t be friends when you’re spending all your time with a bunch of

It just makes it worse when I think about you too much, so don’t write anymore

Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn’t change anything. Sorry.

Jacob

  This is so stupid.   Why does Smeyer have the brains of a mentally retarded squirrel   What kind of book starts with a letter like THIS?   I could be watching Game of Thrones right now, you know! I don't need this crap  People don't write notes like this. Nobody sends a former friend a bunch of conflicting messages that are lightly crossed out so they can still be read. No, Jacob, you're NOT being a jerk. Right now, anyway. It's not being a jerk to break off a friendship after that friend treats you badly and ditches you for your mortal enemy, and then tell off the person when they refuse to accept "GO AWAY." And he's also completely right. She CAN'T have it both ways, she won't accept the "mortal enemies" thing, he COULD talk to her if he wanted, and she did make her choice.</li> And unselfish, caring Bella is hurting him because she won't just accept that HE DOES NOT WISH TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU ANYMORE, EVEN IF HE MISSES YOU.</li></ol>

But unselfish, caring Bella just whines about how sad Jacob's rejection makes her.

What was surprising was how much each crossed-out line wounded me

</b>

What was even more surprising is that he didn't just write stuff on a new page of paper.

Smeyer, paper is cheap. You like to pretend that you have the sensibilities of Ye Refined Olde Tymes, but paper is no longer a precious resource. You can get a couple hundred pages of lined note paper for a DOLLAR. There is NO reason for Jacob to just keep including the lines... UNLESS HE WAS TRYING TO SEND A MESSAGE. Which, of course, Bella carefully avoids realizing because the last thing she'll ever believe is that a teen boy doesn't want her around.

behind each angry beginning lurked a vast pool of hurt; Jacob’s pain cut me deeper than my own.

</b>

So she'll continue inflicting pain on him by not just leaving him alone.

Bella is in SUCH pain that she is immediately distracted by the smell of Charlie trying to cook.

In another house, the fact that someone besides myself was cooking might not be a cause for panicking.

</b>

But I'm the perfect female, so of course I'm a great cook. MEN can't cook even if they live on their own for a decade and a half! Because they're male! And having a penis immediately disqualifies you from womanly things like cooking!

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Yeah, that must be why for SO LONG, it was claimed that all the great chefs were male and that women couldn't be great chefs. Which is also sexist, yes, but at least it doesn't claim that gender roles are inherent. Like this crap pile does.

It turns out Charlie has put a sealed jar of spaghetti sauce in the microwave, and left a bunch of spaghetti to burn in a saucepan. Bella keeps the microwave from exploding, and lectures Charlie on how he's a failure.

... really?

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<ol> Until the last year, Charlie has been LIVING ALONE. No wife. No girlfriend. No roommate.</li> So if he's so inept that he doesn't know not to put jars into the microwave or stir pasta... HOW THE HELL HAS HE BEEN SURVIVING ALL THAT TIME?</li> Has he been eating nothing but McDonald's ever since Bella's dumbass mom left him?</li> Hell, I doubt SHE can cook since she is depicted as such a flake that she probably forgets to breathe. So exactly where did the food come from before Bella descended from on high with her women-only skills like making grilled cheese sandwiches? Or did he just not exist before that? Oh wait, he didn't... everything came into existence with the first book!</li> If you are that clueless, then you probably can't manage a microwave meal, which is THE laziest form of cooking that exists.</li> Also, he's mentioned as fishing. Why the fuck would you catch fish if you can't cook them and don't have anyone who can?</li> Hell, why does he have a microwave or a stove if he DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE THEM or the MOST BASIC SAFETY MEASURES? What did he use them for in the last fifteen years?!</li> And it's not like he's fixing a complex seven-course meal spiced with rare and delicate flavors. He's making the most fucking easy foodstuff in the entire country. The only easier food involves eating cold ravioli right out of a can.</li></ol>

WARNING: RANT AHEAD

And you know what? In today's society, there is NO reason or EXCUSE for men to not know how to cook. We live in a society where women are constantly striving for equality. Women now work and have fulfilling careers in all sorts of formerly male-dominated fields, house-husbands are no longer considered a joke, and maybe we'll get a female president... someday... once the current crusty layer in Washington has died and been scraped out of their chairs.

Obviously some gender roles are not really negotiable, like pregnancy. Well, not without a LOT of medical intervention. But most of them like cleaning, cooking, childcare and working ARE NEGOTIABLE. Men CAN and SHOULD take substantial parts in all those things. Hell, my dad cooks as much as my mom does, and he does all the laundry!

But does Smeyer accept that which women have fought for decades for? NOOOOOOOO. She's busy promoting the obnoxiously dated anti-feministic shit of the "Angel in the House."

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All hail the submissive, doting wifie who thinks of nothing but pleasing her husband, looking after the house, and fulfilling as many sexist Victorian ideals as possible! All while having NO life or identity of her own, and never bothering the men with any of her problems!

heavy breathing

I know it seems like I'm flipping out about something small here. But consider: Esme does nothing but dote on her "kids," renovate the house and cook for Bella. No hobbies, no plans, no friends, nothing. Same goes for Emily, who does nothing but cook for her abusive boyfriend's asshole friends, clean, and so on. She doesn't even seem to have a JOB. How does she support herself?

Both these women are depicted as being completely perfect and wonderful.

Also, Bella allegedly is a wonderful cook who also does ALL the chores while her dad chugs beer on the couch and watches sports.

And when do we hear about ANY man in this series cooking? Or cleaning? At all?

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Nope. If you're a woman, you should do nothing but be a blank-eyed Stepford housewife. And if you're a man, you must NEVER clean anything, cook anything, or look after children. That's what women are for.

So why can Charlie not cook? Because he's a man. No better - or logical - reason is given.

Oh, and you know the kicker? Smeyer's husband... is a househusband. Yes, he's taken what was once a feminine role while his wife is now the breadwinner.

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“You’re supposed to take the lid off first, Dad. Metal’s bad for microwaves.”

</b>

"For some reason you're like forty years old and haven't figured that out yet! Tchah!"

Bella figures that if a man is daring to challenge the natural order, there must be something weird up.

I was mystified. Charlie cooking? And what was with the surly attitude?

</b>

Maybe he's planning to kick her out OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE...

Edward wasn’t here yet; usually my dad reserved this kind of behavior for my boyfriend’s benefit, doing his best to illustrate the theme of “unwelcome” with every word and posture.

</b>

... so he tries to make Edturd feel unwelcome... by burning food? How does that work?

The word boyfriend had me chewing on the inside of my cheek with a familiar tension while I stirred. It wasn’t the right word, not at all. I needed something more expressive of eternal commitment. . ..

</b>

"Like, they need to invent a brand new word to express how ETERNALLY COMMITTED we are, because other words don't convey how ETERNALLY COMMITTED we are. Other couples can't possibly be as ETERNALLY COMMITTED as we are! Like special-sparkly-googoo-snuggles-forever-and-ever-sealed-in-the-temple-chosen-in-the-pre-existence-soulmate, but less clunky! Like, the English language has failed me!"

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Oh, and Smeyer? If you want us to believe that your characters are eternally committed... maybe the last book shouldn't have been about the guy ditching the girl alone in the woods and going elsewhere, and the girl spending all her time waffling about having sex with a DIFFERENT guy.

And you shouldn't have set this only a few weeks MAX after that last book, because that means they've spent more time broken up than together. Yes, eternally committed.

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<b>But words like destiny and fate sounded hokey when you used them in casual conversation.

</b>

They sound hokey ALL the time, especially in bad vampire romance.

<b>Edward had another word in mind, and that word was the source of the tension I felt. It put my teeth on edge just to think it to myself. Fiancée. Ugh. I shuddered away from the thought.

</b>

Uh, that DEVIANT. What kind of freak wants to get MARRIED? Why can't they just hang around not having sex until the sun burns out, like NORMAL people?

In case you didn't read my New Moon snarks, I have NO idea where this attitude comes from, except another attempt to make "conflict." Pretty sure if you asked most straight teen girls - especially ones as dumb and grasping as Bella - if they would marry the guy they claim to be eternally committed to and who fulfil every dream they have, they would produce a sonic boom on their way to the chapel.

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But for some reason, Bella is completely repulsed by the idea... while still wanting all the benefits of marriage, like access to his nouveau riche family's riches.

<ol> <li>I can only assume Smeyer read somewhere that some children of divorce have issues with marriage... and completely got it wrong.</li> <li>She also got it wrong because Bella never had ANY opinions about marriage before. It would have been easy to toss in some doubt about marriage when, say, she was visiting Emily... but nothing.</li> <li>She also never showed ANY signs of giving a damn about her parents' marriage breaking up...</li> <li>... which also happened when she was a baby, so no, she's not scarred emotionally.</li> <li>Or maybe it's another expression of her buried resentment towards being pressed into marriage at 21, when most people are celebrating their first booze-up. There's a slight possibility.</li></ol>

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<b>“Did I miss something? Since when do you make dinner?” I asked Charlie. The pasta lump bobbed in the boiling water as I poked it. “Or try to make dinner, I should say.”

Charlie shrugged. “There’s no law that says I can’t cook in my own house.”

</b>

"Yes there is! The law of gender roles! It is unbreakable!"

So they banter unconvincingly for awhile, and we find out that this is soon after the end of New Moon. Bella is now doubly grounded for doing two things that weren't wrong (leaving for a few days and owning a motorcycle) for a woman who is now a legal adult. It's weird that Smeyer had Charlie treating Bella like an adult when she was a minor... and now that she's an adult, he treats her like a minor. And she thinks this is normal.

Anyway, since there have been no more mysterious deaths for a few weeks, Charlie is no longer wearing his gun. This gives him more time to hang around the house being bitter and angry, and policing Bella's every move.

<b>Edward had been allowed to see me only from seven till nine-thirty p.m., always inside the confines of my home and under the supervision of my dad’s unfailingly crabby glare.

</b>

... except for all the hours we spent making out in class.

Or does Charlie skulk around the campus like a creeper, blowing a whistle whenever the two get too close?

<b>This was an escalation from the previous, slightly less stringent grounding that I’d earned for an unexplained three-day disappearance and one episode of cliff diving.

</b>

Yes, don't get her any PSYCHOLOGICAL help. Just ground her like she's 12.

<b>Of course, I still saw Edward at school, because there wasn’t anything Charlie could do about that.

</b>

Except hang around the school like a pedophile, fingering his gun and peering into the girl's locker room.

And of course, Edturd crawls into her room every night for cold chafing sex... wait wait, that was Smeyer's original draft. Of course, they just make out and chastely cuddle through a blanket.

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So even though she finally has her boyfriend back and is finally going to become a vampire, Bella is STILL bitching about spending a whole few hours away from Edturd.

<b>I couldn’t bear to hurt my dad by moving out now, when a much more permanent separation hovered, invisible to Charlie, so close on my horizon.

</b>

So she can't bear to hurt her dad... except when she's planning to hurt her dad. Why is it worse to hurt him now than to hurt him later?

And I'm not clear on why Charlie is SO hurt by the idea of an 18 year old moving out of his house. Bella has barely seen him since she was a baby, and has done her best to keep her contact with him to a minimum. Why is it suddenly so upsetting that she would want to move out?

<b>“I don’t know why you read the news, Dad. It only ticks you off.”

He ignored me, grumbling at the paper in his hands. “This is why everyone wants to live in a small town! Ridiculous.”

</b>

And by "everyone" he means... corrupt small-time cops who don't have any superiors to investigate their bullshit.

Personally, I do not like small towns. I do not want to live in one. People like Charlie are part of the reason why.

<b>“Seattle’s making a run for murder capital of the country. Five unsolved homicides in the last two weeks. Can you imagine living like that?”

</b>

Yes, I can. It's not that hard if you ever get outside a tiny boring town best known for logging.

Bella points out that Phoenix has WAY more murders than Seattle, because it's in the desert and that makes it superior. And you know, there's the fact that with a larger number of people, the proportional number of murders goes up.

And wait... he thinks the Big City is an awful place to live because they have five unsolved homicides? EXCUSE ME, but YOU live in a small town, and there are several unsolved murders from only a month or two ago! Or do those not count because you never managed to solve them?!

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<b>“Well, you couldn’t pay me enough,” Charlie said.

</b>

"Besides, if I lived in a city, people might actually find out about all my extortion rackets!"

So instead of throwing out the burned, solidified, mushy spaghetti lumps, Bella shows her amazing culinary skills by just throwing it on the plate and forcing both of them to eat it. Instead of just spending ten minutes making a new batch. What a domestic goddess.

<b>I picked up my much-abused copy of Wuthering Heights from where I’d left it this morning at breakfast,

</b>

... wow, I wonder what great literary classic Smeyer will latch onto like a hungry tapeworm.

Eventually Charlie admits that he tried to make dinner in the hopes of softening Bella up so he could talk to her. Asking her literally did not occur to him.

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<b>“Well, it’s about Jacob.”

I felt my face harden. “What about him?” I asked through stiff lips.

“Easy, Bells. I know you’re still upset that he told on you, but it was the right thing. He was being responsible.”

“Responsible,” I repeated scathingly, rolling my eyes. “Right. So, what about Jacob?”</b>

... does Bella have amnesia? Am I mixing up superior fanfiction with the actual book?

Seriously, just a few pages ago, she was whining about how she felt his pain and how she had been handing notes for her dad to give his dad to give HIM, pleading with him to be besties with her again. Now the mere mention of him makes her angry? WHY?

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(As a side note, Bella's bitchy comments about Billy at the end of New Moon seem even bitchier now, because if he were lying to thwart her, he would just set fire to her notes).

<b>I continued — only jokingly; I knew I was on lockdown for the duration of the school year.

</b>

All because she dared to act like she was a legal adult when she's a legal adult. To the dungeon!

No, it's revealed that Charlie is thinking about lifting the grounding, with some implicit rules.

<b>“So I’m thinking maybe you deserve a parole for good behavior. For a teenager, you’re amazingly non-whiney.”

</b>

...

...

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I'm going to just let those convey my feelings about that line. Yes, Bella is totally not whiny.

<b>“Bella, this is more of a request than a demand, okay? You’re free. But I’m hoping you’ll use that freedom. . . judiciously.”

</b>

"I want you to devote your time to food kitchens, helping the poor and making wheelchair cozies for handicapped children."

"But daaaaaaad, I haven't got the time for any of that! I need to polish my rich boyfriend's sparkling wiener!"

<b>He sighed again. “I know you’re satisfied to spend all of your time with Edward —”

“I spend time with Alice, too,” I interjected.

</b>

"When I'm away from Edturd, I have to satisfy myself with Alice's sweet lovin'!"

".... what?"

<b>“That’s true,” he said. “But you have other friends besides the Cullens, Bella. Or you used to.”

</b>

Not really. She had a few people she barely tolerated, but I'm pretty sure they got over her ass LONG ago. First she ignored them because she was making out with Edturd all the time, then she was ignoring them because Edturd WASN'T there.

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<b>Before Edward’s return, my school friends had polarized into two groups.

</b>

The Sharks and the Jets.

<b>I liked to think of those groups as good vs. evil. Us and them worked, too.

</b>

Ah, so she's finally admitted her allegiance to Satan.

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No, what she actually means is: people who like Bella are good, and people who don't like Bella are evil. Wow... most authors at least PRETEND to not be selfish twats, and to have all "good" and "evil" revolve around their Sues. But Smeyer openly admits, "Yeah, anyone who doesn't love my self-insert Sue is EVIL! If you don't like her, you're EVIL! And blonde! And probably a total slut who's French-kissed someone!"

The good guys were Angela, her steady boyfriend Ben Cheney, and Mike Newton; these three had all very generously forgiven me for going crazy when Edward left.

<ol> <li>Actual mental illness would be more forgivable.</li> <li>Bella just had a meltdown because she got dumped by a boy.</li> <li>If you're not so "crazy" that you need to miss school and be seen by professional headshrinkers, methinks you are not actually crazy. You're just a brat.</li> <li>People who are actually mentally ill can't just keep doing their daily routine without a hiccup because THEY ARE SICK.</li> <li>And considering her "going crazy" mostly just consisted of sulking and not talking to anyone, why would anyone even care?</li> <li>So you're only "good" if you're a boy who pathetically want to get into Bella's pants, or some non-speaking sad-sack who doesn't bother Bella with social interaction. Nice to know.</li></ol>

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Lauren Mallory was the evil core of the them side, and almost everyone else, including my first friend in Forks, Jessica Stanley, seemed content to go along with her anti-Bella agenda.

<ol> <li>Hey, mewling quim? If almost everybody in the WHOLE SCHOOL is against you... maybe the problem isn't Lauren.</li> <li>MAYBE THE PROBLEM IS YOU.</li> <li>Maybe nobody cares about the self-indulgent meltdown of a girl who got dumped after six months of dating. Because NEWS FLASH: nobody ever does care. People with marriages spanning decades are less melodramatic than Bella was.</li> <li>And here's a thought. Maybe Jessica is anti-Bella because you spent months ignoring her, suddenly used her for purely selfish reasons, treated her like shit and tried to ENDANGER her.</li> <li>No, it must just be because she's evul and jellus!</li> <li>Anyone else suspect that Smeyer had a dramatic post-breakup tantrum in high school, and was angry that nobody gave a shit?</li></ol>

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<b>With Edward back at school, the dividing line had become even more distinct.

</b>

Aha. So nobody likes Edturd either.

<b>Edward’s return had taken its toll on Mike’s friendship,

</b>

In other words, Mike just wants into Bella's ill-fitting granny panties, and he doesn't actually care about her "friendship." But Bella doesn't care, because he's not sparkly. Friendship!

<b>but Angela was unswervingly loyal, and Ben followed her lead.

</b>

So Bella has two dimbulb "friends" who never bother her with social interactions, never question her behavior, and are incapable of making decisions for themselves. Friendship!

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In fact, Angela is SO unable to think for herself that she sits next to Alice every single day. Why? Because nobody gets to be graced with Bella's presence unless they also spend their spare time with HER friends. Screw doing what makes you comfortable! You're EVIL unless you do what makes BELLA comfortable!

<b>After a few weeks, Angela even looked comfortable there.

</b>

And unselfish Bella doesn't even care that Angela was doing something that made her uncomfortable for WEEKS. If you want Bella to bestow ANY favor on you, you need to spend time around the Cullens for no good reason!

It was difficult not to be charmed by the Cullens — once one gave them the chance to be charming.

<ol> <li>Oh, really? When was this charm she speaks of?</li> <li>Seriously, mention ONE SCENE where they exhibit charm instead of, say, the off-brand ill-making asshole version of charm.</li> <li>The Cullens' "charm" is like the stench of a decaying rhinoceros.</li> <li>And you know what? If someone is charming, it takes less time than A FEW WEEKS for it to take effect.</li> <li>And if the Cullens are SO charming, then how come the entire school hates Edturd AS BELLA REVEALED LIKE ONE MINUTE AGO?</li> <li>Hell, they've been here for a few years. If they haven't charmed anyone yet, they're not charming.</li> <li>But no, Bella thinks the Cullens are "perfect," so people despising them couldn't be THEIR fault.</li></ol>

<b>“I haven’t seen anyone outside of school, Dad. Grounded, remember? And Angela has a boyfriend, too. She’s always with Ben."

</b>

"Because people who are dating NEVER have social lives. They're constantly around their boyfriend/girlfriend, because dating someone means you have no individual identity."

"..."

"I wuvs Edturd so much!"

<b>“I don’t think you should dump all your other friends for your boyfriend, Bella,” he said in a stern voice. “It’s not nice, and I think your life would be better balanced if you kept some other people in it."

</b>

As much as I despise this bent cop, he's correct. Bella DOES dump everyone for her boyfriend, and her life is totally unbalanced.

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Of course, we're not supposed to agree with Charlie. He's so clueless and doesn't know what troo lurv is.

<b>“Well,” he said defensively. “If you’d had more of a life outside of Edward Cullen, it might not have been like that.”

“It would have been exactly like that,” I muttered.

</b>

"Stupid Charlie, not knowing how twoo my wuv is, and how wonderful Edturd is, and how much better I am than all these stupid puny humans..."

"Bella, you're talking out loud again."

<b>“Use your new freedom to see your other friends, too. Keep it balanced.”

I nodded slowly. “Balance is good. Do I have specific time quotas to fill, though?”

</b>

"Like, do I have to spend more than five minutes around these mere mortals? They're like so boring, and they talk about stuff like world events and philosophy and literature... you know, stuff that isn't me."

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<b>“I don’t want to make this complicated. Just don’t forget your friends. . .” It was a dilemma I was already struggling with. My friends. People who, for their own safety, I would never be able to see again after graduation.

</b>

What friends? As far as I can tell, Bella has only one person who could be classified as a friend.

Yes, clearly it's such a struggle for her to spend time with the whole ONE friend she has, whom she's only friends with because the person doesn't expect her to actually devote any time or energy to the friendship, and is so pathetic that she allows Bella's "friendship" to dictate who she spends time with.

And come on, since when does Bella give a crap about her human "friends"? She's made it clear by her actions that she doesn't care at all?

<b>So what was the better course of action? Spend time with them while I could? Or start the separation now to make it more gradual? I quailed at the idea of the second option.

</b>

... why? The only reason she spends ANY time with ANY of them is because one of them is so desperate and pathetic that she will put up with the Cullens just to bask in Bella's glory. She's been ignoring them all since she met Edturd.

How could she separate herself any more than she already HAS?

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-SK32yxwCcZw/VHLhQkgYS-I/AAAAAAAAIms/xHn_z347AuM/s400/i%2Bdon%2527t%2Bhave%2Bfriends.gif

Also, this is HIGH SCHOOL. These people (not including Bella) are probably going off to college in various places. Most high school friendships don't last after graduation ANYWAY, so all this drama is super-useless.

But what Charlie actually means is that he wants Bella to spent more time with Jacob. Wait... he hasn't figured out that they're not on speaking terms? Then... why does he think Bella is passing notes through him and Jacob is ignoring her?

Does he just... not get it?

'''“The Blacks are practically family, Bella,” he said, stern and fatherly again. “And Jacob has been a very, very good friend to you.”'''

<ol> <li>Apparently he doesn't.</li> <li>Or he just figures it's the woman's fault.</li> <li>Practically family, huh? Except for the part where he verbally abused Billy and threatened to illegally arrest his son because... Jacob told Bella to go away.</li> <li>Come to think of it, I'm amazed he hasn't tried to arrest her entire school, since nobody except Sadsack and her whipped boyfriend wants anything to do with Bella.</li> <li>And while I can see that Charlie MIGHT think that Bella ditched Jacob for Edturd, since the timelines match up... the fact that she keeps sending him messages and he keeps ignoring them MIGHT hint that Jacob doesn't want to see her.</li> <li>And news flash: being a friend doesn't mean that you'll be one forever. Friendships split up. It happens.</li></ol>

<b>It was against the rules for normal people — human people like me and Charlie — to know about the clandestine world full of myths and monsters that existed secretly around us. I knew all about that world — and I was in no small amount of trouble as a result. I wasn’t about to get Charlie in the same trouble.

</b>



No, it's only against "the rules" to reveal VAMPIRES to mortals. There is no uniformity in the "clandestine world" - there are different groups that have NO overarcing laws or rules.

As far as we know, there are NO rules against revealing lycanthropy to ordinary people, and it doesn't endanger them at all to know about it. Yes, they keep themselves a secret, but there are clearly many humans who know about the shapeshifting!

Or is Bella convinced that the Volturi will appear to kill Charlie if he knows that Jacob and Co. turn into wolves?

https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-7iY_rOKEL-I/VHLgxI7Ra-I/AAAAAAAAIlg/IGQaQ9Z3lYU/s400/now%2Byou%2Bknow%2Bmy%2Bterrible%2Bsecret.gif"

<b>“With Jacob there is a. . . conflict,” I said slowly. “A conflict about the friendship thing, I mean. Friendship doesn’t always seem to be enough for Jake.”

</b>

Well, it MIGHT have something to do with Bella stringing him along for all those months and even lying about whether he might have a chance with her, then ditching him as soon as Sparkleprick came back.

Just a thought.

<b>But my plan to deal with the werewolf in person had definitely not gone over well with the vampires.

</b>

"Edward locked me in the basement and starved me until I agreed not to meet someone he doesn't like. Troo lurv!"

<b>“Isn’t Edward up for a little healthy competition?” Charlie’s voice was sarcastic now.

</b>

"Seriously, ditch him and bone my best friend's son right now! For your own good!"

And wow, what a dick. Trying to undermine his ADULT daughter's relationship? Lovely.

<b>“You’re hurting Jake’s feelings, avoiding him like this. He’d rather be just friends than nothing.”

Oh, now I was avoiding him?

“I’m pretty sure Jake doesn’t want to be friends at all.” The words burned in my mouth. “Where’d you get that idea, anyway?”

Charlie looked embarrassed now. “The subject might have come up today with Billy. . . .”

</b>

So Jacob is deliberately sending her a message saying, "Get lost, vampire slut" and yet everybody is convinced that Bella is avoiding him? Again, SHE IS THE ONE SENDING NOTES. He sent ONE to tell her to get lost.

And apparently Billy believes that Jacob feeling depressed means that Bella is rejecting him... even though we saw at the end of New Moon that Jacob was rejecting Bella's calls RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

I... they.... are they so stupid that they literally cannot piece things together, so they just blame the female and call it a day? Sherlock Holmes could figure this out if he was so stoned he couldn't MOVE!



“And then you were always so happy after spending the day with Jake.” Charlie sighed.

"Which reminds me, he has a giant box of your discarded panties to return. I'm sure that has nothing to do with sex."

<b>“I’m happy now,” I growled fiercely through my teeth.

The contrast between my words and tone broke through the tension. Charlie burst into laughter, and I had to join in.

</b>

Really? Charlie is such a deductive genius that I expected him to think that it DID mean she was happy.

Oh, and Bella got an acceptance letter from some university in Alaska.

<b>I flipped the envelope over and then glared up at him. “It’s open.”

“I was curious.”

“I’m shocked, Sheriff. That’s a federal crime.”

</b>

Charlie committing crimes? That comes as such a shock.

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-YomzPTEFOp8/VG7xvng10BI/AAAAAAAAHpY/Xm8hN9AdiF4/s400/doucheman%2B3.jpg

Charlie offers to toss away his retirement money on a college education that we KNOW Bella will never actually get, and she insists that she has her college fund which she mostly spent on motorcycles.

<b>“Some of these places are pretty pricey, Bells. I want to help. You don’t have to go to all the way to Alaska just because it’s cheaper.”

It wasn’t cheaper, not at all. But it was far away, and Juneau had an average of three hundred twenty-one overcast days per year. The first was my prerequisite, the second was Edward’s.

</b>

"All the way"? Juneau is on the panhandle. It's right next to British Columbia!

Also, this is ALL Edturd's idea. Bella doesn't actually want to go. If HE is so determined to make her to go to college because he wants her to be human... why doesn't she tell HIM to pay for it? Especially since he's disgustingly rich!

<b>“I’ve got it covered. Besides, there’s lots of financial aid out there. It’s easy to get loans.”

</b>

"You just walk outside with a butterfly net and catch some wild loans!"

But then Charlie asks what Edturd's plans are. Apparently he's pretty slow on the upswing, because let's face it, Bella is so obsessed that she would NEVER go to a college without him. If he went to OXFORD, she'd stow away in a baggage compartment and become a cleaning lady just to stalk him.

<b>I wrenched the door out of my way — ridiculously eager — and there he was, my personal miracle.

</b>

Excuse me.

https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-CBwV_2vCv3E/VIVWJsTAq9I/AAAAAAAAJMY/FgWIT7BXRyY/s400/dipper%2Bpuking.gif

You know, I thought eventually the cheesiness would stop having this effect on me. But every time, it's more of a suckerpunch than before.

<b>Time had not made me immune to the perfection of his face,

</b>

It was so sparkly! So white!

<b>and I was sure that I would never take any aspect of him for granted.

</b>

... especially that giant bulge in his jeans.

<b>My eyes traced over his pale white features:

</b>

Pale. White.

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-2G45xjLBwUA/VJMMrUid9QI/AAAAAAAAJV4/wgegshTEytA/s400/Editor%2BError%2BMessage.png

<b>the sharp angle of his cheekbones, the smooth marble span of his forehead

</b>

... um, most of his facial features I get, but... forehead ogling?

I saved his eyes for last,

Because when you look at someone's nose and forehead, you can completely avoid seeing their eyes.

<b>knowing that when I looked into them I was likely to lose my train of thought.

</b>

TOO LATE.

Bella babbles about how hawt Edturd is, hawter than the hawtest male model in the world. And I lapse into a coma. Srsly, this is the third book in this series, and it's ALL about Bella lusting after Edturd. If people haven't figured it out yet, they're never going to.

<b>It was a face any male model in the world would trade his soul for. Of course, that might be exactly the asking price: one soul.

</b>

"Fortunately, neither of us ever had a soul. So it's not a problem."

Thanks for the continuity, Smeyer. Bella has always been 100% sure that Edturd's "vampirism = no soul" blather is just that, and now she's thinking the total opposite.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Jmm6db86_yo/VG70fvvCMXI/AAAAAAAAIRs/wmgnTT8JaYo/s400/motiv%2B-%2Bsmeyer%2Bcontinuity%2Bis%2Bher%2Bbitch.jpg

<b>His touch brought with it the strangest sense of relief — as if I’d been in pain and that pain had suddenly ceased.

</b>

Because being in Twoo Wuv means never being physically apart at any time without suffering withdrawal symptoms.

So they exchange bland greetings and Edward starts sniffing Bella's wrist like a creep.

<b>I knew that the scent of my blood — so much sweeter to him than any other person’s blood, truly like wine beside water to an alcoholic — caused him actual pain from the burning thirst it engendered.

</b>

<ol> <li>Because when you want alcoholism similes, you want an author who belongs to a religion that bans all alcohol.</li> <li>And you know what, Smeyer? An alcoholic who is trying to resist temptation does not go to a winery and sniff all the bottles.</li> <li>And of course, Bella is not at all alarmed by the possibility that he could suddenly go nuts. Nope, it just enhances her speshulness to know that she has the yummiest blood ever that could drive her boyfriend insane with bloodlust.</li> <li>Speaking of sweet wonderful booze...</li></ol>

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/--XG9Uss7VL0/VG7gt_60MkI/AAAAAAAAFYk/jOz4hSXtm4A/s400/kissing%2Bbooze%2Bbottle.gif

Charlie thankfully comes into the room, forcing Edward to stop sniffing Bella like a creeper. And then Edturd reveals the REAL reason he's there: a whole bunch of college applications. Mr. Dreamy Romance.

'''Charlie grunted at him, and then stood there with his arms crossed over his chest. He was taking the idea of parental supervision to extremes lately.'''

<ol> <li>What part of "legal adult" does Smeyer not understand?</li> <li>So he'll lift the grounding, but he doesn't.</li> <li>Which is pointless because THEY ATTEND THE SAME SCHOOL, so they're around each other all day anyway.</li></ol>

So why has Bella's dream man come here?

<b>“I brought another set of applications,” Edward told me then, holding up a stuffed manila envelope. He was wearing a roll of stamps like a ring around his littlest finger.

</b>

Yeah, he only came over to force her to apply to more shitheap little colleges. And lest you think I'm being unfair, Bella immediately says: How were there any colleges left that he hadn’t forced me to apply to already? So yeah, she doesn't want to. She's only doing it because the Perfect Man is MAKING her do it against her will. Troo lurv!

https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-_zw2eUwy1tI/VG7pQTPI4OI/AAAAAAAAFsw/4viqaliuCCE/s400/troo%2Bwuv.gif

<b>And how did he keep finding these loophole openings? It was so late in the year.

</b>

Smeyer, when people are as rich as the Cullens allegedly are, they can get in anywhere. Why? Because all colleges will conveniently reshuffle the paperwork if you throw enough money at them.

For instance, why do you think the offspring of politicians and old money get into Ivy League schools and graduate with honors? Hint: it's not because of their impressive intellects.

And why are they so determined for Bella to go THIS semester? Why not apply NEXT semester, aka about four months later? Or if she simply MUST go in the fall, why not delay a year? It's not that uncommon. She can go on a bike trip through India and find herself.... except that would involve activity, and making her own decisions, and being around poor people, so never mind. I think Bella's found herself.

<b>“There are still a few open deadlines. And a few places willing to make exceptions.”

</b>

"Like, there's this four-student college in the hills of Chile! Okay, you need to speak Spanish as a first language... and all the food is roast guinea pig... and there's only one teacher... and he's a pyromaniac... but it's still open! You can get in! AS A MAN, I COMMAND YOU TO APPLY!"

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-FC4wYBh2Ags/VG70H37hOPI/AAAAAAAAIHY/h9oHYg6W4ac/s400/motiv%2B-%2Bedward%2Bi%2Bhave%2Ba%2Bpenis%2Bso%2Bbow%2Bto%2Bme.jpg

<b>I could just imagine the motivations behind such exceptions. And the dollar amounts involved.

</b>

Yeah, like maybe $20. If the Cullens are SO rich that they can casually give ISLANDS off of RIO DE JANEIRO to each other as gifts, and have empty houses littered across the planet... then I'm pretty sure they could shell out enough money to get a hamster into Oxford if they wanted.

<b>When I moved Wuthering Heights to the counter, Edward raised one eyebrow. I knew what he was thinking, but Charlie interrupted before Edward could comment.

</b>

"What have I told you about not reading books? I hate it when you try to think! Just smile and fetch me a sammich, woman!"

Seriously, I don't know what he's thinking, or what comment he'd make. It's a book. A fairly well known one. One frequently assigned by schools. And it's the sort of book that Bella is always reading, namely books from the late 1700s or early 1800s, because Smeyer thinks that's a mark of elite intelligence.

So exactly why is Wuthering Heights worthy of attention? Hmm, maybe he's worried she'll notice that Heathcliff is ALSO an abusive asshole?

But we're saved by Charlie randomly asking Edturd where he's going to college. He's obviously hoping that Edturd will go somewhere far from Bella, presumably so Bella can have another shrieking emo meltdown.

“Speaking of college applications, Edward,” Charlie said, his tone even more sullen — he tried to avoid addressing Edward directly, and when he had to, it exacerbated his bad mood. “Bella and I were just talking about next year. Have you decided where you’re going to school?” Edward smiled up at Charlie and his voice was friendly. “Not yet. I’ve received a few acceptance letters, but I’m still weighing my options.” “Where have you been accepted?” Charlie pressed. “Syracuse. . . Harvard. . . Dartmouth. . . and I just got accepted to the University of Alaska Southeast today.” Edward turned his face slightly to the side so that he could wink at me. I stifled a giggle. “Harvard? Dartmouth?” Charlie mumbled, unable to conceal his awe. “Well that’s pretty. . . that’s something. Yeah, but the University of Alaska. . . you wouldn’t really consider that when you could go Ivy League. I mean, your father would want you to. . .” “Carlisle’s always fine with whatever I choose to do,” Edward told him serenely. “Hmph.” “Guess what, Edward?” I asked in a bright voice, playing along. “What, Bella?” I pointed to the thick envelope on the counter. “I just got my acceptance to the University of Alaska!” “Congratulations!” He grinned. “What a coincidence.” Charlie’s eyes narrowed and he glared back and forth between the two of us. “Fine,” he muttered after a minute. “I’m going to go watch the game, Bella. Nine-thirty.” That was his usual parting command. “Er, Dad? Remember the very recent discussion about my freedom. . . ?” He sighed. “Right. Okay, ten-thirty. You still have a curfew on school nights.” “Bella’s no longer grounded?” Edward asked. Though I knew he wasn’t really surprised, I couldn’t detect any false note to the sudden excitement in his voice. “Conditionally,” Charlie corrected through his teeth. “What’s it to you?” I frowned at my dad, but he didn’t see. “It’s just good to know,” Edward said. “Alice has been itching for a shopping partner, and I’m sure Bella would love to see some city lights.” He smiled at me. But Charlie growled, “No!” and his face flushed purple. “Dad! What’s the problem?” He made an effort to unclench his teeth. “I don’t want you going to Seattle right now.” “Huh?” “I told you about that story in the paper — there’s some kind of gang on a killing spree in Seattle and I want you to steer clear, okay?” I rolled my eyes. “Dad, there’s a better chance that I’ll get struck by lightning than that the one day I’m in Seattle —” “No, that’s fine, Charlie,” Edward said, interrupting me. “I didn’t mean Seattle. I was thinking Portland, actually. I wouldn’t have Bella in Seattle, either. Of course not.” I looked at him in disbelief, but he had Charlie’s newspaper in his hands and he was reading the front page intently. He must have been trying to appease my father. The idea of being in danger from even the most deadly of humans while I was with Alice or Edward was downright hilarious. It worked. Charlie stared at Edward for one second more, and then shrugged. “Fine.” He stalked off toward the living room, in a bit of a hurry now — maybe he didn’t want to miss tip-off. I waited till the TV was on, so that Charlie wouldn’t be able to hear me. “What —,” I started to ask. “Hold on,” Edward said without looking up from the paper. His eyes stayed focused on the page as he pushed the first application toward me across the table. “I think you can recycle your essays for this one. Same questions.” Charlie must still be listening. I sighed and started to fill out the repetitive information: name, address, social. . . . After a few minutes I glanced up, but Edward was now staring pensively out the window. As I bent my head back to my work, I noticed for the first time the name of the school. I snorted and shoved the papers aside. “Bella?” “Be serious, Edward. Dartmouth?” Edward lifted the discarded application and laid it gently in front of me again. “I think you’d like New Hampshire,” he said. “There’s a full complement of night courses for me, and the forests are very conveniently located for the avid hiker. Plentiful wildlife.” He pulled out the crooked smile he knew I couldn’t resist. I took a deep breath through my nose. “I’ll let you pay me back, if that makes you happy,” he promised. “If you want, I can charge you interest.” “Like I could even get in without some enormous bribe. Or was that part of the loan? The new Cullen wing of the library? Ugh. Why are we having this discussion again?” “Will you just fill out the application, please, Bella? It won’t hurt you to apply.” My jaw flexed. “You know what? I don’t think I will.” I reached for the papers, planning to crumple them into a suitable shape for lobbing at the trashcan, but they were already gone. I stared at the empty table for a moment, and then at Edward. He didn’t appear to have moved, but the application was probably already tucked away in his jacket. “What are you doing?” I demanded. “I sign your name better than you do yourself. You’ve already written the essays.” “You’re going way overboard with this, you know.” I whispered on the off chance that Charlie wasn’t completely lost in his game. “I really don’t need to apply anywhere else. I’ve been accepted in Alaska. I can almost afford the first semester’s tuition. It’s as good an alibi as any. There’s no need to throw away a bunch of money, no matter whose it is.” A pained looked tightened his face. “Bella —” “Don’t start. I agree that I need to go through the motions for Charlie’s sake, but we both know I’m not going to be in any condition to go to school next fall. To be anywhere near people.” My knowledge of those first few years as a new vampire was sketchy. Edward had never gone into details — it wasn’t his favorite subject — but I knew it wasn’t pretty. Self-control was apparently an acquired skill. Anything more than correspondence school was out of the question. “I thought the timing was still undecided,” Edward reminded me softly. “You might enjoy a semester or two of college. There are a lot of human experiences you’ve never had.” “I’ll get to those afterward.” “They won’t be human experiences afterward. You don’t get a second chance at humanity, Bella.” I sighed. “You’ve got to be reasonable about the timing, Edward. It’s just too dangerous to mess around with.” “There’s no danger yet,” he insisted. I glared at him. No danger? Sure. I only had a sadistic vampire trying to avenge her mate’s death with my own, preferably through some slow and torturous method. Who was worried about Victoria? And, oh yeah, the Volturi — the vampire royal family with their small army of vampire warriors — who insisted that my heart stop beating one way or another in the near future, because humans weren’t allowed to know they existed. Right. No reason at all to panic. Even with Alice keeping watch — Edward was relying on her uncannily accurate visions of the future to give us advance warning — it was insane to take chances. Besides, I’d already won this argument. The date for my transformation was tentatively set for shortly after my graduation from high school, only a handful of weeks away. A sharp jolt of unease pierced my stomach as I realized how short the time really was. Of course this change was necessary — and the key to what I wanted more than everything else in the world put together — but I was deeply conscious of Charlie sitting in the other room enjoying his game, just like every other night. And my mother, Renée, far away in sunny Florida, still pleading with me to spend the summer on the beach with her and her new husband. And Jacob, who, unlike my parents, would know exactly what was going on when I disappeared to some distant school. Even if my parents didn’t grow suspicious for a long time, even if I could put off visits with excuses about travel expenses or study loads or illnesses, Jacob would know the truth. For a moment, the idea of Jacob’s certain revulsion overshadowed every other pain. “Bella,” Edward murmured, his face twisting when he read the distress in mine. “There’s no hurry. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You can take all the time you need.” “I want to hurry,” I whispered, smiling weakly, trying to make a joke of it. “I want to be a monster, too.” His teeth clenched; he spoke through them. “You have no idea what you’re saying.” Abruptly, he flung the damp newspaper onto the table in between us. His finger stabbed the headline on the front page:

DEATH TOLL ON THE RISE, POLICE FEAR GANG ACTIVITY

“What does that have to do with anything?” “Monsters are not a joke, Bella.” I stared at the headline again, and then up to his hard expression. “A. . . a vampire is doing this?” I whispered. He smiled without humor. His voice was low and cold. “You’d be surprised, Bella, at how often my kind are the source behind the horrors in your human news. It’s easy to recognize, when you know what to look for. The information here indicates a newborn vampire is loose in Seattle. Bloodthirsty, wild, out of control. The way we all were.” I let my gaze drop to the paper again, avoiding his eyes. “We’ve been monitoring the situation for a few weeks. All the signs are there — the unlikely disappearances, always in the night, the poorly disposed-of corpses, the lack of other evidence. . . . Yes, someone brand-new. And no one seems to be taking responsibility for the neophyte. . . .” He took a deep breath. “Well, it’s not our problem. We wouldn’t even pay attention to the situation if wasn’t going on so close to home. Like I said, this happens all the time. The existence of monsters results in monstrous consequences.” I tried not to see the names on the page, but they jumped out from the rest of the print like they were in bold. The five people whose lives were over, whose families were mourning now. It was different from considering murder in the abstract, reading those names. Maureen Gardiner, Geoffrey Campbell, Grace Razi, Michelle O’Connell, Ronald Albrook. People who’d had parents and children and friends and pets and jobs and hopes and plans and memories and futures. . . . “It won’t be the same for me,” I whispered, half to myself. “You won’t let me be like that. We’ll live in Antarctica.” Edward snorted, breaking the tension. “Penguins. Lovely.” I laughed a shaky laugh and knocked the paper off the table so I wouldn’t have to see those names; it hit the linoleum with a thud. Of course Edward would consider the hunting possibilities. He and his “vegetarian” family — all committed to protecting human life — preferred the flavor of large predators for satisfying their dietary needs. “Alaska, then, as planned. Only somewhere much more remote than Juneau — somewhere with grizzlies galore.” “Better,” he allowed. “There are polar bears, too. Very fierce. And the wolves get quite large.” My mouth fell open and my breath blew out in a sharp gust. “What’s wrong?” he asked. Before I could recover, the confusion vanished and his whole body seemed to harden. “Oh. Never mind the wolves, then, if the idea is offensive to you.” His voice was stiff, formal, his shoulders rigid. “He was my best friend, Edward,” I muttered. It stung to use the past tense. “Of course the idea offends me.” “Please forgive my thoughtlessness,” he said, still very formal. “I shouldn’t have suggested that.” “Don’t worry about it.” I stared at my hands, clenched into a double fist on the table. We were both silent for a moment, and then his cool finger was under my chin, coaxing my face up. His expression was much softer now. “Sorry. Really.” “I know. I know it’s not the same thing. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. It’s just that. . . well, I was already thinking about Jacob before you came over.” I hesitated. His tawny eyes seemed to get a little bit darker whenever I said Jacob’s name. My voice turned pleading in response. “Charlie says Jake is having a hard time. He’s hurting right now, and. . . it’s my fault.” “You’ve done nothing wrong, Bella.” I took a deep breath. “I need to make it better, Edward. I owe him that. And it’s one of Charlie’s conditions, anyway —” His face changed while I spoke, turning hard again, statue-like. “You know it’s out of the question for you to be around a werewolf unprotected, Bella. And it would break the treaty if any of us cross over onto their land. Do you want us to start a war?” “Of course not!” “Then there’s really no point in discussing the matter further.” He dropped his hand and looked away, searching for a subject change. His eyes paused on something behind me, and he smiled, though his eyes stayed wary. “I’m glad Charlie has decided to let you out — you’re sadly in need of a visit to the bookstore. I can’t believe you’re reading Wuthering Heights again. Don’t you know it by heart yet?” “Not all of us have photographic memories,” I said curtly. “Photographic memory or not, I don’t understand why you like it. The characters are ghastly people who ruin each others’ lives. I don’t know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. It isn’t a love story, it’s a hate story.” “You have some serious issues with the classics,” I snapped. “Perhaps it’s because I’m not impressed by antiquity.” He smiled, evidently satisfied that he’d distracted me. “Honestly, though, why do you read it over and over?” His eyes were vivid with real interest now, trying — again — to unravel the convoluted workings of my mind. He reached across the table to cradle my face in his hand. “What is it that appeals to you?” His sincere curiosity disarmed me. “I’m not sure,” I said, scrambling for coherency while his gaze unintentionally scattered my thoughts. “I think it’s something about the inevitability. How nothing can keep them apart — not her selfishness, or his evil, or even death, in the end. . . .” His face was thoughtful as he considered my words. After a moment he smiled a teasing smile. “I still think it would be a better story if either of them had one redeeming quality.” “I think that may be the point,” I disagreed. “Their love is their only redeeming quality.” “I hope you have better sense than that — to fall in love with someone so. . . malignant.” “It’s a bit late for me to worry about who I fall in love with,” I pointed out. “But even without the warning, I seem to have managed fairly well.” He laughed quietly. “I’m glad you think so.” “Well, I hope you’re smart enough to stay away from someone so selfish. Catherine is really the source of all the trouble, not Heathcliff.” “I’ll be on my guard,” he promised. I sighed. He was so good at distractions. I put my hand over his to hold it to my face. “I need to see Jacob.” His eyes closed. “No.” “It’s truly not dangerous at all,” I said, pleading again. “I used to spend all day in La Push with the whole lot of them, and nothing ever happened.” But I made a slip; my voice faltered at the end because I realized as I was saying the words that they were a lie. It was not true that nothing had ever happened. A brief flash of memory — an enormous gray wolf crouched to spring, baring his dagger-like teeth at me — had my palms sweating with an echo of remembered panic. Edward heard my heart accelerate and nodded as if I’d acknowledged the lie aloud. “Werewolves are unstable. Sometimes, the people near them get hurt. Sometimes, they get killed.” I wanted to deny it, but another image slowed my rebuttal. I saw in my head the once beautiful face of Emily Young, now marred by a trio of dark scars that dragged down the corner of her right eye and left her mouth warped forever into a lopsided scowl. He waited, grimly triumphant, for me to find my voice. “You don’t know them,” I whispered. “I know them better than you think, Bella. I was here the last time.” “The last time?” “We started crossing paths with the wolves about seventy years ago. . . . We had just settled near Hoquiam. That was before Alice and Jasper were with us. We outnumbered them, but that wouldn’t have stopped it from turning into a fight if not for Carlisle. He managed to convince Ephraim Black that coexisting was possible, and eventually we made the truce.” Jacob’s great-grandfather’s name startled me. “We thought the line had died out with Ephraim,” Edward muttered; it sounded like he was talking to himself now. “That the genetic quirk which allowed the transmutation had been lost. . . .” He broke off and stared at me accusingly. “Your bad luck seems to get more potent every day. Do you realize that your insatiable pull for all things deadly was strong enough to recover a pack of mutant canines from extinction? If we could bottle your luck, we’d have a weapon of mass destruction on our hands.” I ignored the ribbing, my attention caught by his assumption — was he serious? “But I didn’t bring them back. Don’t you know?” “Know what?” “My bad luck had nothing to do with it. The werewolves came back because the vampires did.” Edward stared at me, his body motionless with surprise. “Jacob told me that your family being here set things in motion. I thought you would already know. . . .” His eyes narrowed. “Is that what they think?” “Edward, look at the facts. Seventy years ago, you came here, and the werewolves showed up. You come back now, and the werewolves show up again. Do you think that’s a coincidence?” He blinked and his glare relaxed. “Carlisle will be interested in that theory.” “Theory,” I scoffed. He was silent for a moment, staring out the window into the rain; I imagined he was contemplating the fact that his family’s presence was turning the locals into giant dogs. “Interesting, but not exactly relevant,” he murmured after a moment. “The situation remains the same.” I could translate that easily enough: no werewolf friends. I knew I must be patient with Edward. It wasn’t that he was unreasonable, it was just that he didn’t understand. He had no idea how very much I owed Jacob Black — my life many times over, and possibly my sanity, too. I didn’t like to talk about that barren time with anyone, and especially not Edward. He had only been trying to save me when he’d left, trying to save my soul. I didn’t hold him responsible for all the stupid things I’d done in his absence, or the pain I had suffered. He did. So I would have to word my explanation very carefully. I got up and walked around the table. He opened his arms for me and I sat on his lap, nestling into his cool stone embrace. I looked at his hands while I spoke. “Please just listen for a minute. This is so much more important than some whim to drop in on an old friend. Jacob is in pain.” My voice distorted around the word. “I can’t not try to help him — I can’t give up on him now, when he needs me. Just because he’s not human all the time. . . . Well, he was there for me when I was. . . not so human myself. You don’t know what it was like. . . .” I hesitated. Edward’s arms were rigid around me; his hands were in fists now, the tendons standing out. “If Jacob hadn’t helped me. . . I’m not sure what you would have come home to. I owe him better than this, Edward.” I looked up at his face warily. His eyes were closed, and his jaw was strained. “I’ll never forgive myself for leaving you,” he whispered. “Not if I live a hundred thousand years.” I put my hand against his cold face and waited until he sighed and opened his eyes. “You were just trying to do the right thing. And I’m sure it would have worked with anyone less mental than me. Besides, you’re here now. That’s the part that matters.” “If I’d never left, you wouldn’t feel the need to go risk your life to comfort a dog.” I flinched. I was used to Jacob and all his derogatory slurs — bloodsucker, leech, parasite. . . . Somehow it sounded harsher in Edward’s velvet voice. “I don’t know how to phrase this properly,” Edward said, and his tone was bleak. “It’s going to sound cruel, I suppose. But I’ve come too close to losing you in the past. I know what it feels like to think I have. I am not going to tolerate anything dangerous.” “You have to trust me on this. I’ll be fine.” His face was pained again. “Please, Bella,” he whispered. I stared into his suddenly burning golden eyes. “Please what?” “Please, for me. Please make a conscious effort to keep yourself safe. I’ll do everything I can, but I would appreciate a little help.” “I’ll work on it,” I murmured. “Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love you?” He pulled me tighter against his hard chest, tucking my head under his chin. I pressed my lips against his snow-cold neck. “I know how much I love you,” I answered. “You compare one small tree to the entire forest.” I rolled my eyes, but he couldn’t see. “Impossible.” He kissed the top of my head and sighed. “No werewolves.” “I’m not going along with that. I have to see Jacob.” “Then I’ll have to stop you.” He sounded utterly confident that this wouldn’t be a problem. I was sure he was right. “We’ll see about that,” I bluffed anyway. “He’s still my friend.” I could feel Jacob’s note in my pocket, like it suddenly weighed ten pounds. I could hear the words in his voice, and he seemed to be agreeing with Edward — something that would never happen in reality. Doesn’t change anything. Sorry.