Twilight Chapter 22

It had taken much less time than I'd thought — all the terror, the despair, the shattering of my heart.



It took about five seconds max. Kind of a long time for someone with no emotional depth.

my thoughts tortured and unstable



She should just have this tattooed on her forehead. It would save time, especially in the second book.

So she wanders out and is really really scared because Alice is... either having a vision of the possible future, or she's just stoned out of her mind. It could be either. And for some reason, Jasper treats her like she just had a tongue-swallowing epileptic seizure even though she has these glassy-eyed visions ALL THE FRIGGIN' TIME.

I mean, if someone does that all the time and there's no possible way for it to hurt them... why teh drahmaz?

Edward: Yo woman, bring me my slippers and a can of Blood Lite. Cuz I'm a man, and you're supposed to serve me. Alice: goes glassy-eyed Carlisle: Oh no! Alice is having a vision of the future. Jasper: Speak to me, sparkling sweetcheeks! Rosalie: Who cares? She does this literally five times a day. Everyone Else: SHUT UP! YOU'RE A BLONDE!</li> Alice: I see the future.... and dead people... dead people in the future...</li> Carlisle: Tell us, Alice! Tell us what the future holds if somebody doesn't change their mind or do something unexpected!</li> Alice: The mailman... will slip... on the sidewalk out front... and hurt... his knee...</li> Everyone Except Rosalie: HOW DEEP! I'm so glad we got all worked up about this!</li></ul>

So Bella asks what she saw, and Alice.... um, doesn't answer.

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'''"What did you see?" I said — and there was no question in my flat, uncaring voice.'''

<ol>Yes, there was a question. It's in the QUESTION MARK YOU DUMB BINT.</li> So, she thinks Alice might have had a vision of her leaving, and thus the vampires might stop her from sacrificing herself to save her mother... and she doesn't CARE?</li> And again, is Kristen Stewart the perfect actress for this shit or WHAT?</li></ol>

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-crUJLCe986U/VG70Svvsh5I/AAAAAAAAIME/T2Jwmd10Q1Q/s400/motiv%2B-%2Bkristen%2Bstewart%2Bemoting.jpg

Jasper looked at me sharply. I kept my expression vacant and waited.

</b>

I don't even have to make fun of these lines, do I? I mean, they almost mock themselves.

His eyes were confused as they flickered swiftly between Alice's face and mine, feeling the chaos… for I could guess what Alice had seen now.

I felt a tranquil atmosphere settle around me. I welcomed it, using it to keep my emotions disciplined, under control.

</b>

rings bell Editor? Editor? We seem to have a basic inconsistency from one stupid sentence to the next. In one sentence Bella talks about how Jasper senses the "chaos," and then Bella is rambling about how she feels a tranquil atmosphere. Also, why the fuck is she feeling tranquil? SHE'S ABOUT TO GET BUSTED.

Alice, too, recovered herself.

"Nothing, really," she answered finally, her voice remarkably calm and convincing. "Just the same room as before."

</b>

Yeah, she's totally lying. OR her powers are utterly useless. Again.

And Bella's an idiot for not noticing that Alice is on to her, and for thinking she can still get away undetected because... she reads Jane Austen. There's no other reason for her to think she's smart. I should just make "Bella is an idiot" trading cards. It would be like Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh, except boring and frustrating.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-tFX3hNNsvr8/VZi3I7nvr0I/AAAAAAAAKsg/3zsN61t91B8/s400/bella%2Bswan%2Bpokemon%2Bcard.jpeg

Almost as if I were borrowing Jasper's strange extra sense, I could feel Alice's wild — though well-concealed — desperation to have me out of the room, to be alone with Jasper. So she could tell him that they were doing something wrong, that they were going to fail…

</b>

... WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wow, she really is stupid. Only a person as passive as Bawla would actually think like this. I mean, what do YOU do when you foresee a problem or a potential disaster? YOU FIX IT AHEAD OF TIME.

If you have a leaky spot in your roof, and there's a hurricane coming... you FUCKING FIX THE ROOF. You don't just lie there thinking, "Oh, that leaky spot in the roof is gonna turn into a big wet hole and allow gallons of water to pour down on my home and belongings... isn't that tragic?"

If you somehow knew that a bird was going to poop on your head because you were standing in a certain spot, you would not just meander there and think, "Oh, that bird is gonna poop on me... how annoying." YOU WOULD FUCKING STAND SOMEWHERE ELSE.

If you see a giant patch of ice in the road that is almost certainly going to make your car skid into an accident, you don't just keep zooming along at high speed thinking, "Oh, that patch of ice is going to cause a car wreck that could kill people and cause hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of damage.... what a bother." You would FUCKING SLOW DOWN.

Then again, this is Bella Swan, who almost gets raped because she can't be bothered to run away, and who just sits there drooling on herself while other people decide what's going to happen to her. I suppose it's only natural that, instead of assuming that Alice and Jasper would make sure they FOLLOW HER and stop James from killing her, they would just go, "Oh well, we're gonna fail and there's no point in even trying to stop it. Life is tragic."

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bSazwBj3ttA/VZYrMETwkII/AAAAAAAAKgs/0_UcDwYO4BE/s400/if%2Banything%2Bbad%2Bhappens%2Bit%2527s%2Bnot%2Bmy%2Bfault%252C%2Bit%2527s%2Bfate.jpg

I got ready methodically, concentrating on each little task.

</b>

Instead of, say, rushing through it so you can SAVE YOUR FUCKING MOTHER.

I left my hair down, swirling around me, covering my face.



Yeah, I totally couldn't imagine anything else. Although I think Smeyer thought it was more a dramatic hair swirl like in a shampoo commercial.

So Bella gets her money sock and they get to the airport, and OH SHIT not another boring expository talk with Alice. I swear, Alice should just get a transfer to the Dresden Files, because all she does in this shitfest is give expository explanations and fail miserably at seeing the future. Alice, MacAnally's is now hiring waitresses. The boss is grumpy, but maybe you can use your futuresight to make sure no more maenads wreck the place and nobody puts Mac's beer in the fridge. And if you're lucky, maybe Harry will let you ride his zombie T-rex.

Where was I?

"How does it work? The things that you see?" I stared out the side window, and my voice sounded bored.

</b>

Excuse me, waiter. How many times can I say, "She's doing my job for me" and "This is sooooooo Stewart" before I run out of things to say? I think I already have. Bring me dessert!

"Edward said it wasn't definite… that things change?"

</b>

"And yet for some reason everybody bases their LIVES around your predictions even though they're always wrong. Why the hell do they do that?"

That must have been what alerted Jasper, why a fresh wave of serenity filled the car.



So Alice starts talking about how '''"some things are more certain than others… like the weather." '''Yes, because the weather is SO predictable that even now with all our advanced technology, the weather channel STILL can't tell us if we're going to have rain or not. And sometimes they can't tell us accurately if it's raining RIGHT NOW. "People are harder. I only see the course they're on while they're on it. Once they change their minds — make a new decision, no matter how small — the whole future shifts."

Again, this would be really cool in the hands of someone competent. I could totally see someone like Brandon Sanderson doing it well, or Jim Butcher. But that's because they don't suck.

... okay, it's actually because these authors would really USE that uncertainty. Maybe they'd have the character be tormented by her ability to see the future but be unable to rely on it. Maybe they'd have the character trying to help people but having the ever-changing future having problems. Maybe there would be a deep insight into free will and/or the chaos of the universe and/or the butterfly effect.

But with Smeyers, it's just a "Duuurrrrrr... I writez kewl vampire powers. Uh-oh, if Alice can see the future, there's no suspense. I know! Whenever I write myself into a corner, I'll just say someone changed his mind! I IZ GENIUS!"

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-VNMKrHWFVEM/VG70fTTboLI/AAAAAAAAIRA/RLX3qGSzoaI/s400/motiv%2B-%2Bsmeyer%2Bbad%2Bwriting.jpg

They talk for a little while about how Alice couldn't see James until he decided to come there.... which still doesn't explain why she SAW THE ROOMS before James decided to come there. I mean, until he came there, I'm pretty sure that stupid ballet studio wasn't very important to the damn skeleton of a story.

So what does Bawla deduce from this?

And she hadn't seen me in the mirror room with James until I'd made the decision to meet him there.

</b>

Whatever. I've stopped trying to make logical sense of the vampires' stupid superpowers. It's like trying to wring logic from a collaboration between Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich.

'''I tried not to think about what else she might have seen. I didn't want my panic to make Jasper more suspicious. They would be watching me twice as carefully now, anyway, after Alice's vision. This was going to be impossible.'''

<ol>More SUSPICIOUS? How can he get any more suspicious? Alice told him everything already!</li> <li>Silly Bawla, Alice sees just enough for the HOLY PLOT CONVENIENCE! NO MORE, NO LESS!</li> <li>Again, why is Bawla assuming that all the vampires would do is keep a closer eye on her, rather than the obvious ploy of letting her escape so they can ambush the bad guy? WHY?</li> <li>I mean, think about it for a minute. It's not like James has bugs in their hotel room and has spies lurking in the airport, and he doesn't have Edward's mind-reading power or Alice's future-seeing power.</li> <li>If Bawla told the sparklepires about what happened... how the hell would James know?</li> <li>He wouldn't! He could not possibly know where they are or what Bella has told them until they actually arrive! He's just assuming that Bella is STUPID AND GULLIBLE enough to not tell them... just because he ordered her to! Which she is!</li></ol>

And it seems that it hasn't even OCCURRED to Bella that these people who allegedly care about her like she's part of their freaky little creepy-ass family are just going to stick to the plan and let her mom die, instead of trying do something so she won't sacrifice herself. If they really wanted to do that, they would just tie her shoelaces together so she'd trip and be too passive to get up again, then throw her in the car's trunk. Problem solved.

It just hasn't even OCCURRED to her that they might do ANYTHING but stick to the original plan even though they KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S DOING!

<i><b>Who even thinks like this?!?!?!?!?!?!

</b></i>

The obvious answer: Smeyer/Bella. Because that keeps her at the center of attention, and makes sure that she comes across as a self-sacrificing unselfish heroine... instead of a dumb bitch.

So the other Cullens are arriving - or rather, "Edward's plane" is arriving, like he frickin' owns it and is the only person on it. Alice and Jasper spend awhile '''staring at possible destinations for the future, including New York, Atlanta, Chicago. Places I'd never seen'''. And would never see. They're not Phoenix and they don't resemble it in any way except having lots of people, so please stop pretending that you're wistful about stuff you won't see.

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-T5OpxpU3e5M/VG7fgqSR4YI/AAAAAAAAFPs/q6xC9cNeF4M/s400/i%2Bcan%2Bshow%2Byou%2Bthe%2Bworld.gif

<b>Should I run? Would they dare to stop me physically in this public place? Or would they simply follow?

</b>

Yes, because normal ordinary humans aren't capable of physically stopping each other in public places. Only vampires can do that.

A smart person would have asked if she could be excused to the little girls' room.... so of course Bawla just sits there twitching and psychically sensing her boyfriend.

<b>It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming.

</b>

"Oops, apparently he missed his flight. He's still in Vancouver. What are you screaming about?"

Smeyer Lesson #49: If you really love someone, you must be able to psychically sense them. If you can't, it's not Troo Lurv.

<b>That made it very hard. I found myself trying to think of excuses to stay, to see him first and then make my escape. But I knew that was impossible if I was going to have any chance to get away.

</b>

That much is true. Once he got there, he would probably pick Bella up and stick her in his man-purse, announcing that the only way to keep her safe is to keep her a prisoner forever. He's already tried that, remember?

<b>And then, when I had only thirty minutes to make my escape, the numbers changed. His plane was ten minutes early. I had no more time.

</b>

Now I KNOW this is someone's personal fantasy. A plane being EARLY?

So Bella uses the excuse of wanting to go eat now, with Jasper as a companion. Yes, it looks VERY innocent that she's wandering off to have breakfast NOW when her boyfriend is about to arrive, instead of having it earlier so she could greet him. Clearly Bella is a master of sneaking and deception.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-loAFa72wNeo/VG7xszVOqEI/AAAAAAAAHoA/HnNKcnHYuPY/s400/bella%2Bninjas.jpg

She must be attributing the change in her vision to some maneuver of the tracker's rather than a betrayal by me.

<ol><li>... what betrayal? No, seriously, what betrayal? A "betrayal" would be if she tricked Alice and Jasper into his hands so he could kill THEM, or joined the forces of evil bloodsuckery.</li> <li>All this idiot is doing is wandering off to sacrifice HERSELF. It's not like she fucking BELONGS to the Cullens and by sacrificing herself she's "stealing" from them.</li> <li>And does this idiot think she's such a brilliant actress that Alice actually BUYS her lameass not-even-trying performance? Bella, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE stupid enough to think that.</li></ol>

<b>Jasper walked silently beside me, his hand on the small of my back, as if he were guiding me.

</b>

Because even in an airport they have never been to before and which Bawla HAS, he has to make sure she doesn't get lost. Cuz she's a gurl, and therefore helpless.

It turns out Bawla was looking for the women's bathroom. Why? Because it conveniently has two exits! Which I've never seen in any other public restroom ever! In hundreds of different buildings! But Bawla just happens to know where the ONE BATHROOM IN THE UNIVERSE WITH MULTIPLE EXITS IS....

... you know what, I'm not going to let this idiocy bother me. Serenity. Calm. Blue Ocean.

So Bawla goes running into the elevators, jumps in a full one, and she bounces off into an airport shuttle heading for a hotel. Yes, we get every boring detail of her cross-airport trip. Speaking of "trips," she supposed to be so klutzy she can't WALK across a room, but she can SPRINT through a crowded major airport without any concerns except Jasper and Alice catching up to her. Continuity? What's that?

Never mind. We have official proof that Bella fakes her oh-so-endearing clumsiness. It's all fake. If it weren't, it wouldn't conveniently turn off whenever Bella doesn't want it. It only shows up when she needs to be the center of attention or get out of something she doesn't like.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Zc4G7uNRjIk/VG7pzI2Lz4I/AAAAAAAAF1c/o5urQVwdZYg/s400/you%2Bsit%2Bon%2Ba%2Bthrone%2Bof%2Blies.gif

She sits on the bus as far from the other travelers as possible - what else? - and sits there thinking about Edward. Not about her MOTHER who might already be dead for all she knows - nope, she's more interested in thinking about Edward being sad because his one chance at sex with a girl is now gone.

<b>I couldn't cry yet, I told myself. I still had a long way to go.

</b>

... so she's planning to cry once she gets to her destination? I can't see that making a big impression of James.

So she gets out of the bus and into a cab, and throws eighty dollars at the cabbie to take her to her mom's house. And while she's being driven there... Bawla just sits there fantasizing about Edward.

<b>So, instead of panicking, I closed my eyes and spent the twenty minutes' drive with Edward.

</b>

"You know, my fantasy version of Edward who is actually nice to me, instead of the real-life prick."

<b>I imagined that I had stayed at the airport to meet Edward. I visualized how I would stand on my toes, the sooner to see his face. How quickly, how gracefully he would move through the crowds of people separating us. And then I would run to close those last few feet between us — reckless as always — and I would be in his marble arms, finally safe.

</b>

"... while James tore off my mother's head and kicked it around the room like a soccer ball. But I would be snogging my boyfriend's hard cold unsexy lips, and so everyone else would totally not matter."

BITCH, you are allegedly trying to save your mother, who you claim is your best friend in the universe, from an evil guy who's about to kill her AND you... and all you can think about is how hot your boyfriend is. There is something wrong with your tiny, tiny brain.

<b>I wondered where we would have gone. North somewhere, so he could be outside in the day.

</b>

Because if you've spent the whole book whining about how horrible it is to be somewhere cold and wet, it's just fine to go spend a few years in NUNAVUT.

<b>Or maybe somewhere very remote, so we could lay in the sun together again.

</b>

.... and by remote, she apparently means "tropical." Was "exotic" too hard a word for you to handle?

<b>I imagined him by the shore, his skin sparkling like the sea.

</b>

... followed by dozens of beachgoers going, "Lady, I'm pretty sure that guy is gay as tinsel, so don't bother."

<b>It wouldn't matter how long we had to hide. To be trapped in a hotel room with him would be a kind of heaven.

</b>

"We could have cold hard chafing sex all day long! It would be so AWESOME!"

<b>So many questions I still had for him. I could talk to him forever, never sleeping, never leaving his side.

</b>

"So, do vampires poop?"

"How exactly did Dracula get something as creepy and awesome as Dracula from sparkling Abercrombie &amp; Fitch models?"

"Do you REALLY have sexual fantasies about Fozzy Bear?"

"Are you sure that when you and Emmett were grunting, screaming and thumping last night, you were JUST arm-wrestling?"

<b>I could see his face so clearly now… almost hear his voice.

</b>

"... and then I realized it was actually the balding middle-aged cabbie with his missing front tooth and acute halitosis."

<b>And, despite all the horror and hopelessness, I was fleetingly happy. So involved was I in my escapist daydreams, I lost all track of the seconds racing by.

</b>

"Ma'am, why are you rolling around on the seat and screaming, 'Yes! Yes! Oh yes, Edward! I like it rough and sparkly'?"

<b>The cabbie's question punctured my fantasy, letting all the colors run out of my lovely delusions. Fear, bleak and hard, was waiting to fill the empty space they left behind.

</b>

If you are able to actually literally FORGET about impending death and the possibility of your MOTHER dying as well... you need to stop hallucinating. I think this is supposed to show what true love can blot out anything, but it just makes Bawla look delusional and selfish.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-XCX2xBOiDvk/VZeifpFgNyI/AAAAAAAAKmc/bCFuw4atGXU/s400/sod%2Bthe%2Bfuck%2Boff%2Byou%2Bcunting%2Btwat.gif

So Bawla goes running out of the cab and into the house, where she calls the phone number next to the phone so the Designated Villain can talk to her again.

<b>"Is my mom all right?"

"She's perfectly fine. Don't worry, Bella, I have no quarrel with her. Unless you didn't come alone, of course." Light, amused.

</b>

Yeah... how the hell would he even know if she weren't? He wouldn't until it was too late.

<b>"I'm alone." I'd never been more alone in my entire life.

</b>

... except the vampires who are tracking me RIGHT THIS MINUTE, but I'm too dumb to realize it.

And OH SHOCK she's supposed to go to the ballet studio which is conveniently right around the corner... just as heavily foreshadowed. Bawla wangsts about how her house '''is empty, a symbol of fear instead of sanctuary. The last person to walk through those familiar rooms was my enemy.''' She can't be very worried about her mom, because she's apparently stopping to wangst again.

In fact, Bawla sits there reminiscing for awhile about her mom... doing stuff. You know, standing under trees, failing to garden (I guess Bella got her ineptitude from her mom) and stuff like that. It's... very boring, especially since we've seen Bella's mother in ONE SCENE, and Bella has shown nothing but contempt for her. All we know about her is that she's stupid and inept, and she lets Bella do whatever she wants because she's a "cool mom." Are we really supposed to care?

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HeTgn-BHIbI/VG7ecZR0y6I/AAAAAAAAFC8/05eF6TsuLRs/s400/cool%2Bmom.gif

<b>But I raced away from them, toward the corner, leaving everything behind me.

</b>

Then I ran back, because in my clumsiness I left my shoes behind.

So Bella runs in slow motion down the street.... yes, she apparently runs in slow motion. And of course, she trips several times on the sidewalk... even though she just ran even FASTER through the damn airport without so much as a skid.

<b>But at last I made it to the corner.

</b>

Yes, the corner! Those street corners which are miles and miles away from each other, and take whole long torturous seconds to run to! At last, she's gotten to it!

Seriously, why are we getting the step-by-step descriptions of something as boring as walking down a street? This entire chapter has been nothing but mundane details - showering, talking, hanging out at the airport, using the elevator, riding on the bus, riding in a cab, and now walking down the street. Excuse me: running in slow motion.



<b>Just another street now; I ran, sweat pouring down my face, gasping.

</b>

I guess we know the real reason Bella's always avoiding gym class: she's out of shape. REALLY out of shape.

<b>The sun was hot on my skin, too bright as it bounced off the white concrete and blinded me. I felt dangerously exposed. More fiercely than I would have dreamed I was capable of, I wished for the green, protective forests of Forks… of home.

</b>

Aha! See what Smeyers did there? Now Bella thinks of Forks as home, which is ironic because she's spent the whole book griping about it! And now she doesn't like Phoenix anymore, and wants to go "home" to Forks! Because it's irony! Because your sense of "home" is entirely determined by hot men and not by things like family, nostalgia, or even liking for the area.

... it's irony! It's smart!

When I rounded the last corner, onto Cactus,

... huh? They named a street after a desert plant... in the desert... don't they have anything more inventive?

So after Bella stops and observes everything about the damn ballet studio - including the fucking plastic chairs - she meanders inside and hears her mother shouting for her. Oh noes! Whatever can it be? Oh, it turns out to be a home movie of her mom freaking out when she almost fell off the damn pier, probably due to her mother being neglectful and stupid.

Yep, all this was for nothing because her mom isn't even there.

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And then James shows up to talk about.... whatever.

<b>"Sorry about that, Bella, but isn't it better that your mother didn't really have to be involved in all this?" His voice was courteous, kind.

And suddenly it hit me. My mother was safe. She was still in Florida. She'd never gotten my message. She'd never been terrified by the dark red eyes in the abnormally pale face before me. She was safe.

</b>

Holy crap, HOW DUMB IS SHE? She's already seen that all the screaming and stuff isn't her actual mother, but it didn't occur to her that THAT was what she heard on the phone until James actually TOLD HER?!?!?!?!?!?! Brain-damaged MONKEYS could figure it out faster than Sherlock here could.

<b>"You don't sound angry that I tricked you."

"I'm not." My sudden high made me brave. What did it matter now? It would soon be over. Charlie and Mom would never be harmed, would never have to fear.</b>

<ol><li>"Anger would require some emotion other than being tortured and angsty. That's how I roll."</li> <li>Again, it's hard to think that she's suddenly okay with dying if her mom and father are unharmed because she's barely even thought about them in the last chapter.</li> <li>Yes, I know she's rushing in to rescue them, but honestly that seems more like Smeyer's attempts to convince us that Bella is unselfish and self-sacrificing, since no evidence supports it.</li> <li>And why is Charlie suddenly being mentioned? Bella never even mentioned him in the last few chapters, and she didn't seem to give a shit whether he was alive or dead.</li></ol>

<b>"How odd. You really mean it." His dark eyes assessed me with interest.

</b>

Marvel at how very passive she is! She can't even manage to be angry!

<b>"It's amazing — some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all."

</b>

"... and then there are the ones like you, who have no sense of self-preservation."

Seriously, is Smeyers trying to tell us that she/Bella is so amazingly unselfish and caring... because she was trying to rescue her MOTHER? Is she implying that most people would NOT rescue their mothers? Bitch. That's how low she's set the bar.

<b>"I suppose you're going to tell me that your boyfriend will avenge you?" he asked, hopefully it seemed to me.

</b>

"After all, that's what happens in these cliched confrontations between villain and damsel. Also, this is your cue to put on a frilly white dress and talk about how your lover will always come for you and shit like that."

So they chat about how Bella left a letter behind, which is really stupid because she told Alice to give it to her MOTHER, and he talks about how he wants to fight Edward.

<b>"Hmmm. Well, our hopes differ then. You see, this was all just a little too easy, too quick. To be quite honest, I'm disappointed. I expected a much greater challenge. And, after all, I only needed a little luck."

I waited in silence.

</b>

... oh no. Oh no. You are NOT going to do that. Stop it. Stop it now. You are NOT gonna torture us with the cliched "villain stands there and monologues for ten minutes about how evil and clever he is so the good guys can come charging in" scenario which has been done a THOUSAND TIMES and which this guy has NO REASON TO DO! You have not dragged me through his disaster of a book to have the ultimate cliche at the so-called climax!

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-mM8aMPyN-Ec/VG7cALeqIeI/AAAAAAAAE9Y/RrUasUMTS4g/s400/Shut%2Bthe%2BFudge%2BUp.png

Do not do the Villain Monologue! Stop it! STOP IT! NO VILLAIN MONOLOGUES! I can't take another cliched poorly-written scene I think I'm losing my mind please make the voices stop ENOUGH STOP STOP IT RIGHT NOOOOOWWWWWWW...

<b>"When Victoria couldn't get to your father, I had her find out more about you."

</b>

"It's actually kind of amazing how dull you are. You have absolutely no interesting characteristics at all. It's like investigating a big unsweetened marshmallow in a sea of oatmeal."

<b>"There was no sense in running all over the planet chasing you down when I could comfortably wait for you in a place of my choosing. So, after I talked to Victoria, I decided to come to Phoenix to pay your mother a visit. I'd heard you say you were going home. At first, I never dreamed you meant it. But then I wondered. Humans can be very predictable; they like to be somewhere familiar, somewhere safe. And wouldn't it be the perfect ploy, to go to the last place you should be when you're hiding — the place that you said you'd be."

</b>

Can I mention it again? BELLA IS A FUCKING IDIOT AND SO ARE HER FRIENDS. I knew this was going to happen, and since Smeyer did as well, she is deliberately making Bella a fucking idiot. Her entire stupid plan was entirely based on her enemy being dumb and gullible, and if it failed there was nothing they could do.

And now that I think about her, her plan is even stupider because UH HELLO nobody even THOUGHT about what would happen to Bawla's mother?! They were all "oh, we have to protect Charlie!" but not her mom?

<b>"But of course I wasn't sure, it was just a hunch. I usually get a feeling about the prey that I'm hunting, a sixth sense, if you will. I listened to your message when I got to your mother's house,"

</b>

Another fun little detail that "diabolical" Bella failed to anticipate - the simple question of WHO THE HELL IS LISTENING TO MESSAGES. Did she think the evil killer tracker would be too law-abiding to break into someone else's house?

<b>"but of course I couldn't be sure where you'd called from. It was very useful to have your number, but you could have been in Antarctica for all I knew,"

</b>

Yes, because people often hide in Antarctica.... so they can freeze to death without anyone knowing.

<b>"and the game wouldn't work unless you were close by."

</b>

.... as long as there's a plane she can get to, it doesn't really matter, does it?

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ivgMRC58CfE/VZejs3agw7I/AAAAAAAAKo0/LrUFl7us-VY/s400/stupid%2Bfucking%2Bbook.gif

<b>"Then your boyfriend got on a plane to Phoenix. Victoria was monitoring them for me, naturally; in a game with this many players, I couldn't be working alone."

</b>

I know this whole scenario is supposed to reinforce that James Iz Awwsum Tracker!, but it just is making the main characters look like total idiots. This entire scenario took place JUST BECAUSE Bella took a page from the Winnie the Pooh book of tactical evasions... and it failed. Miserably.

<b>I didn't answer. The bravado was wearing off. I sensed that he was coming to the end of his gloat. It wasn't meant for me anyway. There was no glory in beating me, a weak human.

</b>

But that's what poorly-written villains DO. Plus, this gang is so stupid that there's no glory in beating any of them.

And since he's so EEEEEEEEVVVVIIIIILLLLLL, he decides to record her while he kills her. Because he's evil. Affably so, but like all 2-D villains, he's sadistic.

<b>"Would you mind, very much, if I left a little letter of my own for your Edward?"

</b>

"Of course not, as long as you spritz perfume on it and make little hearts over the I's."

"You're joking, right?"

<b>He took a step back and touched a palm-sized digital video camera balanced carefully on top of the stereo. A small red light indicated that it was already running. He adjusted it a few times, widened the frame. I stared at him in horror.

</b>

... HUH? This guy doesn't even have SHOES. Where the hell did he get a digital camera from? Apparently he just pulled it out of his ass.

<b>" And I wouldn't want him to miss anything. It was all for him, of course. You're simply a human, who unfortunately was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and indisputably running with the wrong crowd, I might add."

</b>

I love how Bella is so inconsequential and unimportant that even the Evil Villain admits he doesn't give a shit about her. This entire series revolves around her and EVERYTHING that happens is all about her... and she isn't even important enough to kill on her own. He's only doing it to piss off her boyfriend.

That's right: Smeyer, the person that Bawla is a SUE for, can't come up with a reason why the bad guy would want to attack her. This is beyond Epic Fail... this is COSMIC FAIL!

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-OaIdTmAWQts/VWNHC6Enq6I/AAAAAAAAKEw/kUG-7PaFqJM/s400/throws%2Bbook%2Bout%2Bthe%2Bwindow%2B-%2Bwhat%2Bthe%2Bfuck.gif

<b>He stepped toward me, smiling. "Before we begin…"

I felt a curl of nausea in the pit of my stomach as he spoke. This was something I had not anticipated.

</b>

"I'd like to treat you to a viewing of Batman and Robin. I happen to have it right here..."

"Only if I can somehow look like an intellectual."

<b>"I would just like to rub it in, just a little bit. The answer was there all along, and I was so afraid Edward would see that and ruin my fun. It happened once, oh, ages ago. The one and only time my prey escaped me."

</b>

... HE'S STILL NOT DONE? So his villainous monologue of evil wasn't enough, and now he has to monologue ABOUT HUNTING SOMEONE ELSE? Is he going to tell us about his cookie recipes too?!

<b>"You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked — I never will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans — and as soon as he freed her he made her safe."

</b>

...

...

...

Is he fucking serious? IS HE FUCKING SERIOUS?

So ALL the Cullens had to do to turn Bawla into a vampire to keep her and her loved ones from being destroyed?!?!?!?!?! Please tell me you're kidding. So all this random wandering and running and excessive theatrics could have been EASILY AVOIDED FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. We could have avoided the last several chapters of mind-blowing boredom, angst, hotel rooms and whining BY JUST TURNING HER INTO A VAMPIRE... something we all know is going to happen anyway! GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

And I'm sure there are people going, ''"But Satireknight, they don't want to take away her humanity! They only turn a person if they are  extremely attractive  dying." ''This is a faulty argument for several reasons:

<ol><li>Nobody gave Bawla a choice: "Okay, you can either risk your life and the lives of your loved ones by going on the run FOREVER, or you can become one of us."</li> <li>Maybe I'm alone in this, but I consider it far more of a violation of someone's humanity to turn them into a vampire while they're dying and can't say no, rather than actually ASKING them. Let's not kid ourselves: Carlisle and the other vampires don't give a shit about the people they turn. So why don't they just change Bawla to keep it all simple?</li> <li>I mean, look at their track record. Every single one that Carlisle has changed was changed for selfish reasons - Edward became a vampire because Carlisle  thought he was hot  was all lonely, Esme was transformed so he could  look heterosexual  have a wittle wifie, and Rosalie was transformed because Edward was single and NOBODY IN THE WORLD is complete without a Troo Luv.</li> <li>The only person who was ever transformed unselfishly was Emmett. And why is that? Because ROSALIE wanted to save him because she insta-loved him, and she even fought a friggin' raging bear to save his life and then carried him hundreds of miles. She wasn't doing it because she wanted to trap him as part of this creepy little nuclear family, but because she wanted to SAVE HIM.</li> <li>In summation: the only unselfish Cullen is the MEANIEPANTS BLONDE BITCH CHARACTER.</li> <li>Let's not pretend that we don't know exactly what is going to happen with Bella. Eventually, she's gonna become a vampire, because that is what ALWAYS happens when a Sue falls in love with a vampire. It ALWAYS happens. It's part of the SUE FANTASY to become a wealthy immortal hottie with her boyfriend.</li></ol>

So since we know that she's going to become a vampire... why the hell are they waiting? Why is it taking so long? They could totally negate the entire threat by just turning her into a vampire NOW rather than LATER. In fact, if you've read the whole series, you know they could have easily dispensed with EVERY SINGLE THREAT against any of the characters just by turning Bella into a vampire once they knew that James was obsessed with tracking and killing her. I'm sure they could have found a lame selfish justification for doing that.

<ul><li>New Moon? Totally unnecessary because Bawla wouldn't be all wangsty and suicidal, Jacob would have avoided her, and the Volturi wouldn't have gotten their panties in a bunch.</li> <li>Eclipse? Well, Victoria wouldn't have targeted Bawla with her newborn army because she couldn't kill her so easily, and she wouldn't have even NEEDED revenge because thwarting James meant that there would be no need for revenge. And we wouldn't have had the vampires and werewolves joining forces because the werewolves wouldn't give a shit about her. Several people wouldn't have died.</li> <li>Breaking Dawn? This wouldn't have happened. At all. That is the strongest argument in favor of turning Bawla FOUR FUCKING CHAPTERS AGO. That's right, people - no mutant Sue baby, no Edward trying to pimp Bawla, no Heart Shield, no uterus-chewing birth scene, no assraping of Rosalie, no pedophilia, and no Jacob getting epicly teabagged in every way imaginable.</li></ul>

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ivgMRC58CfE/VZejs3agw7I/AAAAAAAAKo0/LrUFl7us-VY/s400/stupid%2Bfucking%2Bbook.gif

Oh, but Smeyer isn't satisfied by just just reminding us that this entire book is pointless POINTLESS POINTLESS, or by having her villain do the cliched "I'm going to explain everything so the good guys can come here" monologue. Oh no. She has a PLOT TWIST.

<b>"She didn't even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She'd been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions. In the nineteen-twenties it was the asylum and the shock treatments. When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she'd never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then." He sighed. "I destroyed the old one in vengeance."

"Alice," I breathed, astonished.

</b>

Yup. A plot twist that is totally boring, unnecessary and adds nothing whatsoever to the characters or the plot. You could have cut this one page from the book, and nobody would even have noticed. M. Night Shyamalan just pointed at this twist and laughed because it makes all his twists look so competent.

Oh, and we find out that Alice apparently smelled even better than Bawla, although our Affable Villain assures Bella that "You have a very nice smell. Floral, somehow…" Uhhhhhhh... yes, because nothing is yummier than FLOWERS. Especially for CARNIVORES.

<b>I wanted so badly to run, but I was frozen. I couldn't even flinch away.

</b>

That would be non-passive, and we can't possibly have THAT.

So he decides to go ahead and kill her in front of the camera, so he can notify the Cullens about it. No, I have never been so totally indifferent about the possible death of a main character before. I'm just bored now.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-zTP5cn5X2Vk/VG7fwXgT3jI/AAAAAAAAFQg/SVwKqtPX08c/s400/i%2Bdon%2527t%2Beven%2Bcare%2Banymore.gif

Then he slumped forward, into a crouch I recognized, and his pleasant smile slowly widened, grew, till it wasn't a smile at all but a contortion of teeth, exposed and glistening.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-xML1LGM-arw/VWjyLK7KMzI/AAAAAAAAKRA/REvrojk9zIo/s400/cheer%2Bup%252C%2Bwill%2Byou%2Bsmile.gif

So then, for the first time in the WHOLE BOOK, Bawla actually runs away. Of course, he darts in from of her and smashes her against the mirror. Then he stomps on her leg to break it.

<b>I heard the sickening snap before I felt it. But then I did feel it, and I couldn't hold back my scream of agony. I twisted up to reach for my leg, and he was standing over me, smiling.

</b>

Yes, you can practically FEEL the pain. Stephenie Meyer is such a vivid writer. I mean, all she needs to do to describe pain is "I felt it."

Seriously lady, if you're not comfortable enough writing violent and/or scary stuff (instead of your masturbatory fantasies) to do it well, don't do it at all. And then don't publish it.

So he tries to get her to recant her "last request," and when she refuses to, he knocks her around the room again. She starts bleeding like the proverbial stuck pig, and James starts gettin' hongray for some yummy blood.

<b>Let it be quick now, was all I could hope as the flow of blood from my head sucked my consciousness away with it.

</b>

I know exactly what the hell that feels like. I've been having the same sensations through this whole book.

<ol><li>How does one make a vampire of ANY strength? Did he make her do bicep curls?</li> <li>... what visions? So, she had her little future-seeing visions before she died? I thought the whole idea was that the vampires INEXPLICABLY had some small talent like slight empathy or intuition turned into a superpower. But this makes it sound like Alice could look into the future from the very start.</li> <li>And no, Smeyer, she wouldn't have been burned at the stake. For one thing, precognition was not a supposed power of witches.</li> <li>For another, THEY DIDN'T FUCKING BURN PEOPLE FOR WITCHCRAFT IN THE 1800s. Basic history.</li> <li>And accused witches were NEVER burned in the Americas. They were hanged. You dumb shit.</li> <li>And... why does she have amnesia? Is it supposed to be the shock treatments? That makes no sense, because the other vampires suffered just as much trauma - Edward was dying of influenza, Esme was dying from jumping off a cliff and shattering her whole body. So... why can Alice not remember anything because of electrical shocks?</li> <li>Why even bother mentioning this since Alice CAN'T REMEMBER HIM? Aside from convenient infodump.</li> <li>I'm sure people would argue that turning Bawla early means that OH WOE EDWARD/CARLISLE WOULD DIIIIIIEEEEE just like Alice's maker. Here's my response: <ul><li>You say that like it's a bad thing.</li> <li>Alice had one maker all by himself. The Cullens are seven vampires united. I'm pretty sure they'd put up a lot more of a fight.</li> <li>He wants to kill Edward anyway, so what's the difference?</li></ul></li></ol>

Oh, and we find out that Alice apparently smelled even better than Bawla, although our Affable Villain assures Bella that "You have a very nice smell. Floral, somehow…" Uhhhhhhh... yes, because nothing is yummier than FLOWERS. Especially for CARNIVORES.

<b>I wanted so badly to run, but I was frozen. I couldn't even flinch away.

</b>

That would be non-passive, and we can't possibly have THAT.

So he decides to go ahead and kill her in front of the camera, so he can notify the Cullens about it. No, I have never been so totally indifferent about the possible death of a main character before. I'm just bored now.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-zTP5cn5X2Vk/VG7fwXgT3jI/AAAAAAAAFQg/SVwKqtPX08c/s400/i%2Bdon%2527t%2Beven%2Bcare%2Banymore.gif

<b>Then he slumped forward, into a crouch I recognized, and his pleasant smile slowly widened, grew, till it wasn't a smile at all but a contortion of teeth, exposed and glistening.

</b>

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-xML1LGM-arw/VWjyLK7KMzI/AAAAAAAAKRA/REvrojk9zIo/s400/cheer%2Bup%252C%2Bwill%2Byou%2Bsmile.gif

So then, for the first time in the WHOLE BOOK, Bawla actually runs away. Of course, he darts in from of her and smashes her against the mirror. Then he stomps on her leg to break it.

<b>

I heard the sickening snap before I felt it. But then I did feel it, and I couldn't hold back my scream of agony. I twisted up to reach for my leg, and he was standing over me, smiling.

</b>

Yes, you can practically FEEL the pain. Stephenie Meyer is such a vivid writer. I mean, all she needs to do to describe pain is "I felt it."

Seriously lady, if you're not comfortable enough writing violent and/or scary stuff (instead of your masturbatory fantasies) to do it well, don't do it at all. And then don't publish it.

So he tries to get her to recant her "last request," and when she refuses to, he knocks her around the room again. She starts bleeding like the proverbial stuck pig, and James starts gettin' hongray for some yummy blood.

<b>Let it be quick now, was all I could hope as the flow of blood from my head sucked my consciousness away with it.

</b>

I know exactly what the hell that feels like. I've been having the same sensations through this whole book.

So then Smeyers pulls a Paolini, and has Bella pass out just as the chapter ends. Hallelujah. Will the next chapter actually have some action that ISN'T pulled straight from a damsel-in-peril Victorian melodrama?