New Moon Chapter 6

THE MOTORCYCLES DIDN'T NEED TO BE HIDDEN ANY further than simply placing them in Jacob's shed.



... so why did he take time out to hide them in the BUSHES first?

Billy's wheelchair couldn't maneuver the uneven ground separating it from the house.



Good thing his house doesn't have, you know, WINDOWS.

So Jacob starts pulling apart one of the bikes, and Bella just... sits there. I don't even know why she's there, since Jacob has already volunteered to give her both his kidneys.

While he worked, Jacob chattered happily, needing only the lightest of nudges from me to keep the conversation rolling.



Yeah, that doesn't sound manipulative at all.

"And then after Mike set the wallaby on fire, I woke up naked in the car with those four models, covered in wasabi powder...."

"Uh huh, fascinating."

"Hey, that's nothing. The next morning, I came back home and found out that a cult had moved in. That was a weird weekend. They had the best peyote."

"Wow, awesome."

"Dad was really surprised when he got home and found the vats of barbecue sauce. You'll never GUESS what was swimming in those..."

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Ez2HfvxOnJs/VLVzU1hwjiI/AAAAAAAAJYI/KgSzcjignwI/s400/when%2Bi%2Bsay%2BI%2Bagree%2Bwith%2Byou%2Bi%2527m%2Bnot%2Blistening.gif

We also are told that his two best buds are named Quil and Embry, who are named after the guy in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle and the decorations on a porcupine's butt. Jacob tells Bella not to make fun of their names, apparently not knowing that she keeps all her sneering internal because you need guts to openly mock people.

And wouldn't you know it, the guys show up RIGHT THERE AND THEN. How deliciously convenient.

"No." Jacob ducked his head, and it looked like he was blushing under his brown skin.



... because it's not obvious. Because he's not white. Like the Cullens. Has she mentioned that lately?

"Speak of the devil," he mumbled, "and the devil shall appear."

Too late. She's already there. ... who talks like that? I could see a teenage boy saying "Speak of the devil," but saying any more just sounds either pretentious or... weirdly religious. It's also not how the proverb goes. This version assumes that you're too dumb to tell who "he" refers to. 

So the other boys come in, and they obviously think that ol' Jakey is about to get laid. How silly! Super-white girls destined for  Mormonism  vampirism will never have consensual sex with a guy just because she's horny for him.

"Quil, Embry—this is my friend, Bella."

</b>

"Her hobbies include whining, dry humping and navel-gazing."

Quil and Embry, I still didn't know which was which, exchanged a loaded look.

"Charlie's kid, right?" the brawny boy asked me, holding out his hand.

</b>

"That whiny brat who made us go wandering around in the woods at night because her boyfriend dumped her, and she was too lazy to go home?"

"That's the one."

"I still have drool stains in my favorite T-shirt. You owe me for dry-cleaning, bitch!"

The boys introduce themselves and start talking about motorcycle repair. Bella gets bored now that nobody's focusing on her, and just decides to leave.

Both boys went to examine Jacob's project, drilling him with educated questions. Many of the words they used were unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have a Y chromosome to really understand the excitement.

</b>

Yes, we dumb womenfolk know nothing but babies, shopping and cookbooks. We have no knowledge of these magical machines.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HL6RWERA4SQ/VG7uhARtNmI/AAAAAAAAGx4/vdKF9I-zNaU/s400/mercy%2Bthompson.jpg

Mercy Thompson disapproves of your sexism.

Jacob looked up, apologetic. "We're boring you, aren't we?"

"Naw." And it wasn't a lie. I was enjoying myself—how strange.

</b>

I NEVER enjoy myself around mere mortals. It's so bizarre!

Anyway, this is obviously bullshit. Smeyer can SAY that Bella is enjoying herself, but her writing really paints a different portrait. I mean, if she weren't TELLING us that Bella was enjoying herself, would you think she was? Cuz I just see "bored girl sitting around nodding and not listening to a boy talk, and then wandering off when OTHER boys turn off and start talking about car stuff."

Since she's bored stiff by them, Bella makes the excuse that she has to go home and cook for Charlie. Because that's what women do. But she arranges to come back the next day so she can sit there and do nothing.

"When do you want to work on them again?"

</b>

She isn't going to work on them. Not only is she female - meaning Smeyer thinks she's genetically incapable of doing mechanical repair - but Bella doesn't do anything. Even when she's at her job, she just sits there drooling and being emo!

Sundays were the bane of my existence. There was never enough homework to keep me busy.

</b>

I would like to mention that some people say Bella represents a totally normal teenage girl. This proves that that is a lie.

Quil and Embry keep doing their Eric Idle impressions

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-EuucUBo1rmk/VG7cMsy8qqI/AAAAAAAAE9Y/1nyX6HSZx40/s400/wink%2Bwink%2Bnudge%2Bnudge.jpg

while Jacob angsts about how Bella is going to pay for her own motorcycle's parts.



Jacob's face fell a little. "I'm still not sure I should let you pay for everything."

</b>"I was looking forward to squandering my money on top of my time!"

"No way. I'm bankrolling this party. You just have to supply the labor and expertise."

</b>

Because time and effort aren't worth ANYTHING. Just material goods.

Anyway, the two guys sit there making faces and obviously thinking that ol' Jakey is hoping to score with this bland chick. Jacob keeps whining about how it doesn't seem right that Bella has to pay for her own stuff, mainly because Smeyer is trying REALLY REALLY hard to convince us that Bella isn't taking advantage of Jacob. Which she is.

"Not to mention the riding lessons," I added.

Quil grinned widely at Embry and whispered something I didn't catch. Jacob's hand flashed out to smack the back of Quil's head. "That's it, get out," he muttered.

</b>

HAHA, they made a dirty joke! It's funny because "riding" can mean sex! It's a joke! SHOOT ME!

So Quil and Embry keep Ericidling Jacob while Bella wanders back out the car.

I giggled quietly. The sound made my eyes widen in wonder. I was laughing, actually laughing, and there wasn't even anyone watching. I felt so weightless that I laughed again, just make the feeling last longer.

</b>

Trust me, she can't be as shocked as I am. I can't remember this joyless bint laughing at anything at all, even when the Cullens were there. And it doesn't help that I imagine her as Kristen Stewart.

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-orXNV62n1xU/VG7t3uaphAI/AAAAAAAAGmw/Pih_N17Mlzg/s400/Kristen%2BStewart%2B-%2BBiting%2BLip.jpg

'''I beat Charlie home. When he walked in I was just taking the fried chicken out of the pan and laying it on a pile of paper towels.'''

Does this bitch know how to cook ANYTHING that doesn't induce heart attacks? First she makes GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES for dinner, and now fried chicken. At the rate she's going, Charlie will be 400 pounds and die of a coronary by the end of Breaking Dawn. How Bella loves her family!

So Charlie is shocked by the fact that Bella smiles and claims to have had fun. I cant blame him, since she's been suicidally emo for almost the entire book so far. He probably figures that Jacob sold her some really good weed.

They then have a really boring conversation about stuff that other people are doing.

The interrogation had to stop when Charlie began chewing, but he continued to study my face as he ate.

</b>

"Honey, did you always have that Joker tattoo on your face?"

So while Charlie does "man" things like sit on his ass watching sports, Bella does "woman" things like cleaning. Eventually she goes up to bed, where she is emo about how horrible it will be when she has her tame nightmares about wandering in the woods. But she doesn't, and instead wakes up after sleeping like a log.

Does this cause Bawla to wonder if she's getting over her asshole ex? Does she see it a a sign of emotional healing? Does she start to wonder if her suicidal schemes should be scrapped because there IS some joy in living?

Pshaw, don't be silly. She gets emo about how she is SO emotionally unstable, and it TOTALLY won't last. I want to shoot this girl in the head with a rocket launcher.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bIfQwyn7KQM/VG7dV8qv-pI/AAAAAAAAE_c/iy4ki-1Osjg/s400/bad%2Bthings%2Bshould%2Bhappen%2Bto%2Byou.gif

So Bella starts thinking about how she's going to see Jacob. However, this puts her in a halfway happy mood, so she immediately sabotages it by thinking about how it will probably suck.

"What are you up to today?" he asked....

"I'm going to hang out with Jacob again."

</b>

"He says there's going to be a totally awesome orgy up at the reservation."

"Do you mind?" I pretended to worry. "I could stay…"

</b>

Am I the only person who thinks it's REALLY fucking creepy that Bella is always faking "normal" emotional responses? And you know who that reminds me of?

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5I7sybqb18Q/VG7s3-JUcII/AAAAAAAAGf0/bmSNv35XfKk/s400/dexter.jpeg

Yeah. It wouldn't shock me at ALL if Bella went on a killing spree one day.

Charlie is all too happy to get rid of her, because he's going to invite MEN to come do MAN things like watch sports. Is there a major sports game on EVERY SINGLE DAY in this place?! And since Bella likes to manipulate people, she suggests that Billy come over too so she can Jacob can  have rebound sex  work on her bike.

So Bella and her virgin checkbook head out to Jacob's house, despite the fact that it's raining so hard that she can't see in front of her. Here's a question: how come Bella doesn't drive at top speed during one of these rainstorms? I'm sure if the rain is THAT intense she could easily wreck her car, especially since it has been almost EXACTLY a year since she got there... and it snowed in the first week.

Oh wait, because then she couldn't flirt with Jacob.

Effortlessly, without a conscious command to the muscles around my lips, my answering smile spread across my face. A strange feeling of warmth bubbled up in my throat, despite the icy rain splattering on my cheeks.

</b>

Ya know, in a NORMAL book written by someone who has a single clue about relationships, this would be a turning point for Bella. This would be the part where she realizes that she obviously didn't mean much to Edward, that he treated her badly, that she deserved better, that she's now past him, and that she now has a chance to embark on a healthy, mutually-respectful relationship with a guy who doesn't treat her like a blob of shit on his shoe.

But... this is Stephenie Meyer, who thinks the best relationships are based entirely on how much you want to fuck someone. Which means that Jacob is just the distraction while Bella's "perfect" soulmate is gone. After all, Bella craves supernatural penis! Her Whiney Senses are able to immediately sniff out the nearest supernatural male so she can enthrall him with her blandness!

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-WMcfiKW6S24/VG7oz0J4XbI/AAAAAAAAFpc/XjaX3EIUSng/s400/stupid%2Bsexy%2Bflanders.gif

Jacob took me on a brief tour of his tiny room while we waited to be unsupervised.

</b>

Then we had crazy, disgusting sex out in the pouring rain, involving two goats and a vat of Crisco. Seriously, what teenage boy takes a girl to his bedroom as his dad is leaving UNLESS that's what he wants?

Thankfully, Bawla doesn't tell us about going to the dump and/or parts stores, because her presence makes this repulsive enough without having to hear all those details. Apparently she spends the whole time wangsting about how she's not unhappy, and decides that Jacob is a little bundle of happiness-giving sunshine who craps joy and pees contentment.

<li>Show. Don't tell. Having your Sue break into a totally uncharacteristic smile every time she sees him, and saying after the fact that she "enjoyed herself" is terrible writing.</li> <li>It's very out of character. Even worse than Anita Blake bursting into tears because someone said something mildly displeasing to her.</li> <li>I mean, Smeyer has spent an entire book establishing that Bella is a totally miserable bitch who hates everybody and everything except the Cullens, or at least has contempt for them. She complains ALL THE FUCKING TIME, about pretty much everything.</li> <li>Yet we're supposed to believe that she turns into a semi-normal person and has fun just by.... standing near Jacob.</li> <li>Even at the DUMP.</li> <li>Also, did Stephenie Meyer just... FORGET that Bella and Jacob hung out in the previous book? Because they did! They spent hours hanging out on the beach! Bella danced with him at the end.</li> <li>And you know what? There was NO mention of people magically becoming happy and having fun just by being near him! NONE. AT. ALL. There was not a single hint of this slightly important character trait. YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT. You can't just decide partway through a series that one of your characters has this immediate effect on EVERYBODY he talks to!</li> </ol>

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-U3403p8fiO4/VHLgx82QRTI/AAAAAAAAImE/ick8nbtJEss/s400/that%2Bmakes%2Bme%2Bfeel%2Bangry.gif

<b>Jacob was simply a perpetually happy person, and he carried that happiness with him like an aura, sharing it with whoever was near him.

</b>

Add "aura" to the list of things that Smeyer doesn't understand.

<b>Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed them.

</b>

If there were a tiny sun on earth, it wouldn't have the gravitational power to pull anything because if it DID, it would have to be so massive and heavy that the planet itself... you know what, fuck it.

<b>No wonder I was so eager to see him.

</b>

And I'm sure the fact that he's a hot boy with supernatural powers has NOTHING to do with it.

<b>Even when he commented on the gaping hole in my dashboard, it didn't send me into a panic like it should have.

</b>

There's no "should have" about having a panic attack because somebody asks why there are wires falling out of your dashboard. That is NOT a normal reaction.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ITIQ_s-FWew/VG7uPMirJWI/AAAAAAAAGtM/AsvNWVbdN3w/s400/village%2Bidiot%2Bhat.jpg

So Bella casually drops a few more lies, leading Jacob to believe that she has the same effect on technology that Harry Dresden does, but without the awesome powers to make up for it.

<b>"Maybe you shouldn't touch the motorcycles too much."

"No problem."

</b>

"I'm too lazy, um, passive to do anything anyway."

So they get some shit at the dump, and then some shit at the auto parts store, and Bella is dazzled by Jacob's "little wolf" powers of conversation, which actually pierce her veil of Dexter-like sociopathy. Are any of these conversations actually included in the book? Of course not! They're about Jacob, his friends and his life, and therefore NOT about Bawla or Edturd. And as we all know, they're the only ones we should be interested in.

<b>"I think Quil likes you, too."

I laughed. "He's a little young for me."

</b>

"Don't forget, I'm a bitter forty-five-year-old divorcee in a teenager's body. I couldn't possibly be interested in ANYONE under thirty."

<b>I kept my voice light, teasing. "Sure, but, considering the difference in maturity between guys and girls, don't you have to count that in dog years? What does that make me, about twelve years older?"

</b>

"And when you add in my bookishness, lack of a social life, fun-hating and contempt for young people, I must be at least two hundred."

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-qywsnRkhrDg/VG7or9jIspI/AAAAAAAAFm0/qA_Hb1YCU7o/s400/shut%2Bup.gif

<b>"Okay, but if you're going to get picky like that, you have to average in size, too. You're so small, I'll have to knock ten years off your total."

"Five foot four is perfectly average." I sniffed.

</b>

Pshaw! Don't you know that five foot three is freakishly tiny?

<b>"It's not my fault you're a freak."

</b>

And this character charms the boys. Yeah.

<b>I lost two more years because I didn't know how to change a tire, but gained one back for being in charge of the bookkeeping at my house—

</b>

Teehee! She doesn't know how to change a tire because she's a GIRL and only MEN can change tires! But since she's so smart, she also does all the bookkeeping even though her dad has been managing fine for SIXTEEN FUCKING YEARS!

They keep having this boring, unfunny debate about how old they count as, which is... I think... Smeyer attempting to add HUMOR to her humorless Sue's story.

https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-mD_ifikSoG8/VG70piTHy0I/AAAAAAAAIVM/t_Uh0JROeWk/s400/motiv%2B-%2Btwilight%2Bhumor.jpg

Then Smeyer apparently remembered that hey, Bella's supposedly pining after Edturd. You know, that sparkly douchebag who thankfully left the story a few chapters back?

<b>I hadn't forgotten the reason for what I was doing. And, even though I was enjoying myself more than I'd thought possible, there was no lessening of my original desire. I still wanted to cheat. It was senseless, and I really didn't care.

</b>

... so, Smeyer just removed ALL the symptoms of Bella's alleged heartbreak - her mopiness, her phantom pain, her hallucinations, her blackouts, and her endless internal whining - but Bella still wants to turn herself into a big red schmear on the road. Makes perfect fucking sense.

<b>I was going to be as reckless as I could possibly manage in Forks. I would not be the only keeper of an empty contract.

</b>

So... the only reason she's trying to kill herself now is a big "fuck you" to her ex-boyfriend. Mature. Does she also hold her breath when she doesn't get her way?

So when they get back, Jacob starts working on the motorcycles, and Bella starts ogling him as he works. Yeah, I can tell she's REALLY heartbroken over the loss of Edturd. If Jacob were rich, she'd be all over him like a cheap raincoat.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ZOMNeIYjBIw/VG7zVFv3PmI/AAAAAAAAH-E/cxDqSi4xzrk/s400/gold%2Bdigging%2Bwhore.png

<b>While he worked, he seemed almost graceful. Unlike when he was on his feet; there, his height and big feet made him nearly as dangerous as I was.

</b>

... even though we've seen ABSOLUTELY no evidence that Jacob is clumsy, let alone "dangerously" clumsy. I mean, he went to a garbage dump, he works in a big ol' garage full of pointy things that his father is unable to get to, and he's regularly working on large dangerous machines.

So because Stephenie Meyer thinks auto repair is something left to poor Indian boys and not middle-class white girls, she skips over the actual work because she's not interested. She also fails to mention whether Jacob and Bella just sat there in awkward silence, or if they talked about nothing important or interesting.

So then they hear Charlie, and Jacob immediately switches off the light. Why? So he can grab Bella's hand and lead her out. Because she's helpless in the dark, you see. I am going to give Smeyer a pass on the sexism here because he IS a werewolf (oops, had someone not heard that? My bad!) so it actually makes sense that he could see and navigate in the dark better than a human.

<b>His hand was rough, and very warm.

</b>

It was so GROSS. I only like hands that are smooth and ice-cold!

<b>Despite the path, we were both tripping over our feet in the darkness.

</b>

Mostly he was tripping over mine. Tee hee, I'm so clumsy!

<b>So we were also both laughing when the house came into view. The laughter did not go deep; it was light and superficial, but still nice.

</b>

... how often have you heard someone laughing "deeply"? I mean, besides James Earl Jones and Christopher Lee. Most laughter is light and superficial. I get the feeling that Smeyer thinks REAL laughter is something you only do when you've met your one true love, and it somehow shows how perfect you are for each other.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-lMd4cVcEl58/VG7iyZLDxsI/AAAAAAAAFac/geln1PkI8l8/s400/laughing%2Belves.gif

<b>I was sure he wouldn't notice the faint hint of hysteria. I wasn't used to laughing, and it felt right and also very wrong at the same time.

</b>

She certainly didn't laugh around Edward. He was too busy laughing. At HER.

And again, who can read this description and think that Bella is not seriously mentally ill, on top of her narcissism and sociopathy? She feels it's WRONG to laugh and have fun. And she's hysterical for no reason.

<b>"Hey, Dad," we both said at the same time, and that started us laughing again.

Charlie stared at me with wide eyes that flashed down to note Jacob's hand around mine.

</b>

He also noticed the bag of weed that Jacob had hastily stuffed into his pocket.

So it turns out that Billy has invited them to dinner, because... I guess they're being charitable to the Boringtons.

<b>"My super secret recipe for spaghetti. Handed down for generations," Billy said gravely.

Jacob snorted. "I don't think Ragu's actually been around that long."

</b>

WHY THE FUCK IS THIS BOOK ABOUT BELLA? This is the ONE intentionally funny moment in this whole fucking book so far! Why isn't this book about Jacob and his friends and family? THAT MIGHT ENTERTAIN ME instead of slowly sucking the life out of me like a vampire. An ACTUAL vampire, not these lameass sparkly ones.

<b>The house was crowded.

</b>

My soup was cold. The sky was blue. I was bland.

<b>Harry Clearwater was there, too, with his family—his wife, Sue, whom I knew vaguely from my childhood summers in Forks, and his two children.

</b>

... am I actually supposed to remember these characters?

skims through book

Nope. No previous mention of a Harry Clearwater. There's a mention of a "Harry," but that could be Potter or Dresden for all I know.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HvlXmdbLD3U/VG7YH7dKcKI/AAAAAAAAEr8/E4iu8pAFsa8/s400/harry%2Bpotter.jpeg https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-0BtNE7ftDhQ/VG7MmbP4A6I/AAAAAAAAEU8/V8Byfck3V5o/s320/dresden%2Bfiles.jpg

Both from much, much better books.

<b>Leah was a senior like me, but a year older.

</b>

... so why not just say she was a year older?! Especially since they don't even go to the same school and they aren't friends. How would Bella even know this?!

She was beautiful in an exotic way—perfect copper skin, glistening black hair, eyelashes like feather dusters

<ol><li>Ah, the soft racism of "exotic" for not-white people.</li> <li>It says a lot about Smeyer that having black hair and brown skin is "exotic" to her.</li> <li>Even though there are a lot of people like that IN HER OWN COUNTRY.</li> </ol>

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-fxFZTE69D6w/VVWssaONAyI/AAAAAAAAJjg/PiNSJqXH9Ho/s400/a%2Blittle%2Bracist.gif

Leah obviously is uninterested in the party, and spends the whole time talking on the phone. Oh, and this description of her is kind of deceptive, because Leah is there to be the token attractive-but-undesirable-compared-to-Bella girl, who would be perfect for Jacob but is relegated to the "sisterly" role.

Why? Because Leah is an Action Chick instead of a glorified hausfrau who longs to be treated badly by the Big Strong Man. She is also there to emphasize that Bella is awesome for being fertile in Breaking Dawn, because of course action chicks are practically men.

<b>Seth was fourteen; he hung on Jacob's every word with idolizing eyes.

</b>

Wow, could it possibly be that Leah and Seth are... SIGNIFICANT CHARACTERS?!

So everyone hangs around and eats spaghetti, and Bella just sort of... IS THERE, like a garden gnome. I swear, this character is so bland and remote that she's practically a guest star in her own fucking book.

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-Rdr0AGkLwfI/VG7cCZoRjWI/AAAAAAAAE9Y/ZCfuwMoPVAk/s400/creepy%2Bgirl.jpg

But then it rains and the party breaks up, so Bella and Charlie drive home in her truck.

Oh, and Charlie is thrilled because Bella is spending her free time with Jacob, unlike her perfect rich sparkly soulmate whom he hates for no adequately explained reason. After all, this is as close as Smeyer gets to actual forces keeping Bella and Edward apart, since they don't have any obstacles except their own stupidity. Either that, or Charlie is just glad to get some peace and quiet from the droning whines.

So then Bella checks her email and reads a message from her mother, just to postpone bedtime. What a loving daughter she is. She experiences a whole half-second of remorse for having ignored her "best friend" for several months, writes an email back, and basically forgets about it.

<b>I stayed up extra late after that, finishing more homework than strictly necessary. But neither sleep deprivation nor the time spent with Jacob—being almost happy in a shallow kind of way—could keep the dream away for two nights in a row.

</b>

After all, she was close to having a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP and actually HAVING FUN with someone who isn't a sparkly emo asshole. We can't have that! Quickly, back to the nightmares so we can be reminded how awful it is to not have Edward! THEIRS IS A TRUE LOVE! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE BELIEVE ME!

<b>I woke shuddering, my scream muffled by the pillow.

</b>

Can someone explain to me why I'm supposed to care about the pain of a person this selfish?

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-zTP5cn5X2Vk/VG7fwXgT3jI/AAAAAAAAFQg/SVwKqtPX08c/s400/i%2Bdon%2527t%2Beven%2Bcare%2Banymore.gif

Seriously, stop. I don't care about Bella's unhappiness. I never have, because she's a rotten excuse for a person who only cares about herself. She's never done ANYTHING to make me like or sympathize with her.

Oh, but apparently this nightmare was DIFFERENT. This time Sam Uley was in her dream... where he did nothing. Nothing at all. Damn, this is boring.

<b>Unlike the time when we had met in reality, he did not offer me his help.

</b>

He had figured out that I was a total miserable bitch who preferred to lie around being lazy than actually get up and leave.

<b>School was the opposite. Now that I was paying attention, it was clear that no one was watching here.

</b>

I pouted and sulked in the corner. How could they NOT pay attention to someone as gloriously wangsty, smart and bookish as myself?! Had I not graced their dull pointless lives with my presence? The NERVE.

<b>how desperately I'd wished that I could turn gray, fade into the wet concrete of the sidewalk like an oversized chameleon.

</b>

You know, more than someone as bland and unremarkable as myself already does. I'm amazed my own parents notice me.

<b>It seemed I was getting that wish answered, a year late.

It was like I wasn't there. Even my teachers' eyes slid past my seat as if it were empty.

</b>

https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-jvwhclX6aOY/VG7cJgFXEAI/AAAAAAAAE9Y/RtNscfxVGco/s400/symbolism%2B-%2Bomfg%2Bwtf%2Bgenius.jpg

Yeah, isn't this a WONDERFUL message? Unless you're part of the rich elite clique of rich people who are going to make you part of their special rich immortal circle, you're utterly nondescript and people will not notice you. You don't MATTER unless you're superwealthy and have a hot boyfriend.

... I FUCKING HATE THIS SERIES.

<b>I listened all through the morning, hearing once again the voices of the people around me. I tried to catch up on what was going on, but the conversations were so disjointed that I gave up.

</b>

"So, did they ever get the iPod out of his colon?"

"Yeah, but they had to use this thing that looked like a steampunk toilet plunger. And guess what!"

"What?"

"While that was going on, this one guy in the ER, his head exploded. That was such a shock that Miranda went into labor and I had to deliver triplets. Weird weekend."

"Why's that creepy girl watching us?"

"Eh, who cares? She's been whining for months about the Cullens moving. So, how 'bout that sinkhole?"

And unsurprisingly, Jessica isn't interested in socializing with a girl who ignored her once she got a boyfriend, went catatonic for months because said boyfriend dumped her, and acted like a brain-damaged mental patient when she asked Jessica out to a movie. So yeah, why WOULD she want to have anything to do with Bawla? I dunno, but I think Smeyer is trying to make us dislike Jessica for not being warmly affectionate to Crazy Sociopath Bitch.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-w7awPAwpg-I/VG70lTpMgzI/AAAAAAAAIUk/YgbrK-qNxxs/s400/motiv%2B-%2Bsue%2Bfriendship.jpg

Bella also rattles off the names of various characters she hasn't mentioned in eons, apparently expecting everybody to care more than she does about them. I barely remember these people.

<b>I was beginning to get annoyed with myself. I might as well have been packed in Styrofoam peanuts through the last semester.

</b>

... and again, whose fault is that? And why is it that she's only NOW pretending to take an interest in ordinary humans?

<ul><li>Before she met Edward, she didn't give a crap about these people.</li> <li>During their relationship, she didn't give a crap about these people.</li> <li>After their breakup, she didn't give a crap about these people.</li> </ul>

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-SK32yxwCcZw/VHLhQkgYS-I/AAAAAAAAIms/xHn_z347AuM/s400/i%2Bdon%2527t%2Bhave%2Bfriends.gif

I assume this is Smeyer pretending that her heroine is "coming back to life" and showing an interest in something other than EDWARD LEFT MEEEEEEE LIFE IS EMPTY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. But if you have her doing stuff she never did before, it's just fake. It's stupid.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-FUulV5oEYEA/VG7zadZr_LI/AAAAAAAAICc/aEWnvRbhVS8/s400/shitty%2Bwriting.jpg

<b>No one looked up when I sat down next to Mike, even though the chair squealed stridently against the linoleum as I dragged it back.

</b>

... and now even the guy who used to be besotted with her is ignoring her completely. I love this. This is a Hallmark moment!

We're also told that Lauren has cut her hair really short, and Bella thinks bitchy thoughts about her. If you've read Smeyer's lame-ass Q&amp;A website, you will know that she actually dreamed up a whole scenario where Lauren gets scammed and robbed by some creepy dude. Why? Because Smeyer obviously hates whoever Lauren is based on, and this is her mature adult way of dealing with it.

So they talk for what seems like hours about absolutely nothing, while Bella sits there staring at people's hair like a pot-smoking Anita Blake.

And what is the whole point of this boring conversation?

<b>

"I don't know," Angela said. "We think it was a bear. It was black, anyway, but it seemed… too big."</b>

"Almost like a teenage boy who was somehow able to quadruple in mass with no possible explanation!"

<b>Lauren snorted. "Oh, not you, too!" Her eyes turned mocking, and I decided I didn't need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Obviously her personality had not changed as much as her hair.

</b>

Like, TCHAH. Obviously you're a horrible vile bitch if you say even ONE snarky thing.... oh wait, Bella does that ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and we're supposed to see her as a suffering saint. Uh, if you're blonde and say one snarky thing, you're a vile horrible bitch! If you're a brunette, you're simply too smart and deep for this world!

So they keep talking about this, and Bella dives into the conversation just because she hates Lauren and Jessica. No, seriously. That's the reason. It's because those two are DARING to disagree with poor saintly Angela. Two BLONDES daring to pick on a poor brunette! SuperWhiner to the RESCUE!

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-lYoZxWguoco/VHLiCCGzuOI/AAAAAAAAInk/Cy0Hn0DVxPU/s400/i%2527m%2Bsuch%2Ba%2Bgood%2Bfriend.gif

<b>There was a moment of silence. Every pair of eyes at the table turned to stare at me in shock.

</b>

... yeah, even when everyone ignores her, somehow Bella ends up becoming the center of attention.

<b>The new girl, Katie, had her mouth hanging open like she'd just witnessed an explosion.

</b>

Wait, a NEW girl? Shouldn't every boy in school be frantically chasing after her and sniffing her used gym socks? Shouldn't all the girls be bitching at her because they're so jealous? After all, nothing in the world gets celebrity levels of attention in Forks like a NEW PERSON in Forks.

... oh wait, only Bawla gets that treatment. I wonder why.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-MYx0X-fvaA4/VHLgDdtmQUI/AAAAAAAAIgs/J0Im_wtdyv8/s400/things%2Bthat%2Bmake%2Byou%2Bthink.jpg

So Bella insists that Mike back her up about the bear thing, but everyone is too busy being dazzled that the Sullen Goddess has opened her mouth and poured forth music to shame the songs of the angels.

<b>I didn't know why he was looking at me so strangely. I talked to him at work, didn't I? Did I? I thought so…

</b>

I mean, last week I went "uhnnggghh" when he asked me if I was feeling okay. And when he said good morning, I went "ggguuugggnnnn." That TOTALLY counts as talking!

Seriously, if she never talks, how the fuck could she do her job? Two-way communication is necessary if you work in a FUCKING STORE. You can't just sit there and drool on yourself for MONTHS, never talking to anyone, and actually get paid. Trust me, I've tried it.

Then Smeyer gets bored with the whole giant bear conversation, so now it's time for everybody to fawn over Bella.

<b>"So, what did you do this weekend, Bella?" Mike asked, curious, but oddly wary.

</b>

"I was busy working in a soup kitchen, helping find homes for kittens and puppies, and donating toys to orphans."

"Tchah, that's so selfish. I was busy moping about how my boyfriend dumped me and now my life is empty."

<b>Everyone but Lauren looked back, waiting for my response.

</b>

"Please, Bella! Enrich our paltry lives with tales of your everyday life in Olympus among your fellow gods! We all desperately want to know!"

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-R8YOwiqw6Cw/VG7pqDepHcI/AAAAAAAAFys/v10M43VM7Mc/s400/wonderful%2Bthings%2Bin%2Bthe%2Bworld.gif

<b>The eyes flickered to Jessica and back to me. Jess looked irritated. I wondered if she didn't want anyone to know she'd gone out with me, or whether she just wanted to be the one to tell the story.

</b>

Can you blame her? This is a girl with an actual social life, friends, and a love life. Would YOU want anyone to know you'd spent an evening with the Sadako-lookalike freakshow who tries to get raped whenever she passes a bar?

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-Rdr0AGkLwfI/VG7cCZoRjWI/AAAAAAAAE9Y/ZCfuwMoPVAk/s400/creepy%2Bgirl.jpg

So they natter for awhile about what movie they went to see, which turns out to be called Dead End. You know, the most generic-sounding zombie movie title besides Zombie Death + Guts and Blood. And Mike keeps asking questions, presumably to show what an annoyance he is.

<b>Angela talked mostly to Mike and me, and, when I got up to dump my tray, she followed.

</b>

"Bella, you're so awesome. Can I be your personal buttmonkey?"

<b>"Thanks," she said in a low voice when we were away from the table.

"For what?"

"Speaking up, sticking up for me."

</b>

"Clearly you are a wonderful person despite your selfish and sociopathic behavior. Because one time you spoke up in my defense... or maybe you were just pissing on the blonde girls. It could be either."

<b>Lauren and Jessica strolled by us then, and I heard Lauren whisper loudly, "Oh, joy Bella's back."

</b>

... yeah, that made NO sense, since they already talked to her. If they had said that earlier, it might have. But now it seems like they're only just noticing her.

Also, who can blame them for that reaction? It's meant to show what nasty bitches they are, but Bella has treated them horribly for MONTHS.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-enB4VdE-7L4/VHTADlC4SJI/AAAAAAAAI1M/Ny16fOOLbj0/s400/don%2527t%2Bget%2Byour%2Bwhackadoo.gif

<b>"What's today's date?" I wondered suddenly.

"It's January nineteenth."

"Hmm."

"What is it?" Angela asked.

"It was a year ago yesterday that I had my first day here," I mused.</b>

"And since I'm now eighteen, I'm an old hag."

"Huh?"

"And my life is full of emptiness, misery and woe, for I haven't got a rich hot boyfriend."

"... you need professional help."

<b>"Nothing's changed much," Angela muttered, looking after Lauren and Jessica.

"I know," I agreed. "I was just thinking the same thing."

</b>

"I'm still better and smarter than everyone else, Forks still sucks, and you ORDINARY people are just boring sheep who won't ever be as wonderful as I am. Same ol'!"

"Seriously, get help."