The First Death 2 Part 1

Well, ladies and gents, it's now time for another comic book from the Anita Blake: Mother Beater series, with lots of stunningly amateurish artwork and exciting... talking. Yay. Hand me a gun, please.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-faXpm86sBzE/VG7v-t2T3rI/AAAAAAAAHP8/9sMoMr5KPjo/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfirst%2Bdeath%2B2%2Bcover.jpg

Well, this one is way better than the previous one, in that there's no hair-fondling going on. But it's still kinda crappy.

 Are Edward and Anita trying to shoot each other under their armpits? Because Edward's expression suggests that.   Anita appears to be wearing old-man suspenders.   So... they're being attacked by Noein? That makes as much sense as anything else in this series.   Either Anita's ass is HUGE, or her spine is curving at an alarming rate. 

Anyway, you open to the very first page and know conclusively that this is going to be a stinker. Why? Because a basic error that anyone who has actually read part 1 would catch pops up:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-JjM8v1E_iHM/VG7vjFpXtkI/AAAAAAAAHYo/ANlBgZORgxw/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B096%2B-%2Bmixedup.jpg

Yeah, they switched the names between The Hulk and Token Lech. And these are not newbie characters nobody has seen before, either. These are established people, and they are very prominent in this particular story. In other words, NO EXCUSES!

So when we left Anita Blake, Vampire Humper... uh sorry, that's from later in the series... she was being attacked by an evil vampire for no adequately explained reason. He just went apeshit, his eyes started glowing a different color from her crosses, and he jumped on her. So she had sex with him. Okay, sorry, enough jokes about the later installments of the series. There's more than enough to mock in THIS one.

Anyway, we jump into the action so abruptly that there is no establishing shot. It literally looks like someone took one long comic book and chopped it in half, and didn't bother to put in a page to show us what the hell is going on. It's like flipping on the TV and seeing the middle of a scene - I mean, what the hell is going on here?

We go straight to this:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-PBdESSepISg/VG7vjosixzI/AAAAAAAAHD4/Rc2XcG0cNiI/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B097%2B-%2Bbackup.jpg

I mean, if you just picked this up, you would be thinking, "Who is that? Why are they pointing a gun at him? What is that black saw blade off to the side of his head?" Would a shot of him attacking Anita be too much?

Also, the art here is REALLY fail-y. I mean, why are there crosses on his neck? And why is his neck so strangely tiny compared to his head? And why is there a BUTTON on his NECK? I don't get it.

So then since this is a story about an ass-kicking vampire hunter with amazing fighting skills, renowned for her deadly prowess... we get to see the Token Lech blow off the vampire's head.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-EKofubj1jeE/VG7vkGWE4BI/AAAAAAAAHEU/eVzGigzifhM/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B098%2B-%2Bbrainz.jpg

Wow. Zerbrowski unexpectedly kicks ass. I may have to revise my opinion of this guy - a flirty semi-adulterous lech who redeems himself by kicking ass even more than the main characters do. Not only did he actually SHOOT the killer vampire, but he shot him SO MUCH that he blew off a third of the guy's head, knocked out his eyeball and sends his brains spilling all over the place.

And what does our tougher-than-thou, ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners vampire hunter do?

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-RjwYmEiIH4s/VG7vkDaI07I/AAAAAAAAHEE/3vDWH7By73Q/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B099%2B-%2Bshootvamp.jpg

Yes, that's right. The woman who's so scary that vampires wet themselves when they hear about her... shoots a vampire who's already had PART OF HIS SKULL BLOWN OFF and is now heading for the ground. Clearly this is the buttkickingest heroine in history. Karrin Murphy killing a plant fae with a CHAINSAW is wussy stuff compared to shooting a guy who's already dying!

And no sooner has he hit the ground than this happens:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-uev1x57cANY/VG7vkUwzreI/AAAAAAAAHYo/NOnHzXNLonw/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B100%2B-%2Bbetrayed_us.jpg

Wait, who is almost-dead vampire talking about? Looks down at internal monologue caption. Oh wait, somebody else is supposed to be talking through his mouth. Uh, couldn't you have put in a different font or drippy letters to show us that SOMETHING SINISTER is afoot, rather than... having it be the same as normal people talking?

Also, why is there NO BLOOD at all on his neck or in his hair? It looks like someone artfully smeared raspberry jelly on his face and he's keeping his head above the blood pool on the ground.

So how does Anita respond to Teh Evil Vampire Majicks speaking through a dead body? Does she try to get clues about who the baddie is by talking to him through the Vampire-Shaped Phone? Does she try to provoke him into revealing himself? Does she try to figure out what Sean said that was so very important?

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-JCF-7RdlJSU/VG7vk_9ZOrI/AAAAAAAAHYo/09i4rtitLNg/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B101%2B-%2Bshooting%2Bdead%2Bvamp.png

Yeah, our brilliant detective SHOOTS the dead dude. I think LKH believes that toughness is determined by the number of bullets fired, not when or where or why or how accurately or at whom they're fired. Especially since they apparently have no effect:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-B39rRajYF0s/VG7vko_1wpI/AAAAAAAAHEg/T9S5O9-Fncs/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B102%2B-%2Bdeadvamp.png

So not only did she shoot the guy who was already down with his head shattered, but she didn't even shoot him in a way that mattered. Zerbrowski accomplished more with ONE BULLET than her firing six or seven.

Let's recap, shall we? Our alleged heroine is supposed to be the tuffest, baddest, awesomest vampire hunter in the US, or even the WORLD. However, after a WHOLE COMIC BOOK we never see her hunting vampires. We never see her killing vampires. We never even see her solving crimes. When a vampire attacks her, a MAN has to rush in to save her life. Why are we supposed to be impressed by this character again?

But since Anita is the author's Sue, she gets all the credit for Zerbrowski's work.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-3-GpLXOmbTU/VG7vlbsbh6I/AAAAAAAAHYo/2CEG1JuaHrE/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B103%2B-%2Bcan%2527t%2Bkill%2Bdead.png

... so apparently the scientific and legal redefinition of what life is doesn't actually count for Anita, since I imagine "no longer able to think/move/speak/act/achieve consciousness" would count as dead for a vampire. And no she didn't kill him - he was already dying when she shot him.

So to be ABSOLUTELY SURE that the guy with his brains spilling out is totally dead (just stuff his mouth with garlic already!), Anita decides to stake him. Actually, I think the reason is because Zerbrowski just showed how inept she really is.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-AjvOW_PxHEs/VG7vlWfE62I/AAAAAAAAHEk/Cc6bhAnWE6M/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B104%2B-%2Brest%2Bof%2Bthem.jpg

Wooooowwww, another massive gap in Anita's supposedly encyclopedic knowledge of vampires. What a shock. And now she's going to further endanger the various other cops by concealing her shortcomings from them. Wow. She hasn't done a single thing in this whole comic book that couldn't easily have been done by someone else. Friendly Neighborhood Lech has been more vital to the plot than the TITULAR CHARACTER.

And suddenly we're in a car, and Anita is telling Dolph that they need to nab the vampires before they have a chance to quit their jobs and move. Dolph says that they need a warrant to legally enter the house, and Anita reminds him,"I've got the only warrant I need!" And by that she means her Mary Sue Club card.

Also, I get the feeling that Zerbrowski might be a bit pissed at Anita stealing his thunder.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-DVA91hqlZ2Y/VG7vlWVTA0I/AAAAAAAAHYo/6PFWyQGIrlY/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B105%2B-%2Bzerb.jpg

I know in his place, I'd be asking the bitch, "Hey, want me to come along in case somebody needs to actually DIE?"

Apparently LKH realizes that Anita is looking like an inept wuss here, because she starts trying to remind us that ANITA IS TEH AWSUM and has more amazing legal powers than any of those pathetic cops who actually have to have warrants and "evidence" and follow the law and shit like that.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Zu7iFx9XqA4/VG7vl3XZg7I/AAAAAAAAHYo/3LMIYBCF2eQ/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B106%2B-%2Bworksdiff.jpg

"The law works different for you than for us, Anita. After all, you're one of the biggest Mary Sues in fiction, which means you could be praised for bombing the White House!" Seriously, LKH, telling us how your tuff super-strong macho heroine has inexplicably been given a license to kill doesn't make us forget that she just got pwned by a small-fry vampire and rescued by a dork wearing a novelty tie.

By the way, does anyone else notice that the sky is awfully light for NIGHTTIME?

And she keeps trying to convince us that Anita is Teh Vampiyah Expert: Zerbrowski starts asking questions about vampire hunting, and Anita responds with all sorts of Deanna Troi "I'll feel them" shit.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-c-Hc1icU5sA/VG7vl5aOIDI/AAAAAAAAHYo/sF5Au7R_xdc/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B107%2B-%2Binnocent.jpg

Sounds like somebody's trying to cover her ass after she tried to pin the crime on TWO VAMPIRES who turn out to have literally nothing to do with the crime. "Oh, you want to know why I staked that philanthropist and his lovely charity-founding wife, Your Honor? Well, it's not a big deal. They were vampires, so they were automatically guilty even though they've never broken a law in their lives. So I didn't do anything wrong, and I DEFINITELY didn't screw up."

And by the way, Anita believes this SO completely... that she takes the exact opposite stance if anyone else thinks badly of vampires on principle. Yeah, she's one of THOSE people, whose entire viewpoint is about being "right" compared to everyone else.

Why is Anita Blake supposed to be the heroine again?

And with no further ado, suddenly we're switching over to a pretty suburban house in a nice neighborhood.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-PFU9bnobMtA/VG7vmPo_RGI/AAAAAAAAHE4/Xef_MlFdBO8/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B108%2B-%2Bjustman.jpg

... no, I don't understand why it's "just Manny and her." I mean, sure the cops can't actually GO INTO the house without a warrant, but there's nothing that keeps them from sitting outside on the street waiting for something to go down. In fact, even Anita even points out how stupid this all is:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-h4_vrk08jOA/VG7vtxhJA3I/AAAAAAAAHYo/bXf2Y2DniEk/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B109%2B-%2Bdon%2527t%2Bhave%2Bbudget.jpg

Yeah, this makes a LOT of sense in a world where vampires exist. Clearly the people who go out and STOP superpowered hypnotizing violent undead wouldn't need enough money to arm themselves properly, because obviously VAMPIRE CRIME wouldn't exist in such a world, since vampires are known for being such peaceful harmless creatures. Clearly the government wouldn't create large separate police forces to regulate such problems, and give them all the money they damn well need to keep vampires from taking over the world and slaughtering the populace.

No, that would just be silly. It makes MUCH more sense to just have a handful of ill-equipped, underinformed people to deal with an insanely powerful bloodsucker who can control you just by making eye contact. After all, you have people like Anita who always save the day!

Of course, we quickly find out that Manny is also a fucking idiot:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-RmWlGbcpJ4Y/VG7vmRTGkyI/AAAAAAAAHFI/rzko2liv9U8/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B110%2B-%2Bpartimm.jpg

... okay, WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT? First of all, Zerbrowski obviously SAVED Anita's ass. Let's recap - she was lying there ineffectually going bang-bang at Evil Vamp, and Zerbrowski BLEW HIS HEAD OFF. How is that "almost getting you killed"? And for that matter, what does the partial immunity have to do with anything? Zerbrowski didn't look EvilVamp in the eye! He wasn't being hypnotized. This is total bullshittery.

Oh wait, I can see what's going on here. "The Executioner" was rightly embarrassed by her piss-poor performance, so she told Manny that Zerbrowski got hypnotized by Evil Vamp, so she leapt to the rescue and almost got killed saving his butt. Add "liar" to Anita's list of defects.

To reinforce that Manny is a fucking idiot, he says that he won't use any guns because''' "it can slow them down, but it doesn't kill all of them. If you don't hit the heart or the head, it doesn't do crap." '''Which is bullshit, because Zerbrowski (NOT Anita) did quite well with nothing but a handgun, and he pretty much killed all of Evil Vamp. Also, when you're trying to KILL something much stronger and faster than you, slowing down your opponent can make the difference between, oh, I dunno, LIFE AND DEATH.

As if that weren't ridiculous enough, look at Manny's weapons.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-t-b185Jhp7Y/VG7vmvqjkmI/AAAAAAAAHHc/9llNu55eJRM/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B111%2B-%2Bstakes.jpg

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-P6Yh3goZKic/VG7vm3ELj7I/AAAAAAAAHFg/9P8XvTnsfTo/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B112%2B-%2Bmachete.jpg

Stakes, knives, and machetes. So obviously the safest way to kill a vampire is go right up to it and hit it with close-range weapons like a MACHETE. I am amazed that Manny has lived long enough to go gray, because the man has no common sense at all. I never thought I'd see a character in this series that makes Anita look SMART.

So they meander casually toward the house with their bag of pointy phallic weapons, Anita's ginormous shotgun, and her interestingly-placed pistol:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-xkUanui6n1Y/VG7vm1mAXWI/AAAAAAAAHFU/v3XUxg8uhN8/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B113%2B-%2Bphallic.jpg

They then have a very boring conversation about the various ways to attack vampires, whether with rocks or holy water. More than half a page is devoted to them talking about throwing rocks and blowing holes in vampires. This is a deeply lame conversation, and it feels like LKH is filling up space with random crap.

Then we get A WHOLE PAGE of them walking up to the door, talking about some vampire who tried to drink blood from Anita's thigh. Or maybe he was trying to...

THWACK!



Okay, okay, enough sex jokes. Seriously, NONE of this has anything to do with the plot and it's really boring.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-FtJc2xH2cvw/VG7vnKP1x-I/AAAAAAAAHFc/4cgA7VoCoMA/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B114%2B-%2Bvampheart.jpg

SO LET'S CHATTER LOUDLY OUTSIDE THEIR DOOR. THERE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE ANY HUMANS IN THERE WHO MIGHT BE TAKEN BY SURPRISE! Also, this begs the question: Why not wait for fucking sunrise and then saunter in safely? Why are they deliberately choosing to go in when the vampires are up and active and DANGEROUS, instead of safely, sanely and humanely killing them while they sleep?

The answer: because stupidity = bravery!

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-irXVQ875ezk/VG7vneYt36I/AAAAAAAAHFo/_Q6UBNeL1RM/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B115%2B-%2Bstinks.jpg

And this comic stinks of ineptitude. And vampire poop! This comic is vampire poop!

And then... the door flies apart. I don't know just how this is supposed to have happened. Admittedly we see Anita pointing her gun at the door, but the result doesn't look anything like the result of a gunshot. It looks more like how a very powerful weight smashing into a piece of balsa wood would.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-fPNMASO4Hus/VG7vnvRZenI/AAAAAAAAHF4/jd_aUFlMUto/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B116%2B-%2Bdoorstuff.jpg

Also, it looks like Manny is levitating. And note that these awe-inspiring detectives don't even TRY the doorknob. They just walk up and shoot the door to bits. Thanksgiving must be fun for their relatives.

... wouldn't it be awesome if there was some lovely nice vampire family having dinner together, and suddenly these two violent psychos with guns and phallic knives are busting in and trying to kill them? Wouldn't it be great if Anita were forced to deal with a judge and jury who don't agree with her intolerant views? Wouldn't it be awesome if vampire hunting were put in the hands of strictly-regulated and skilled professionals instead of any psychotic idiot with a penchant for phallic weapons?

But I digress.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-7_Y5OW7D7bs/VG7vn157LZI/AAAAAAAAHFw/qqQJ0jLzEUI/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B117%2B-%2Bnobodyhome.jpg

Wow. Two whole pages of not-very-suspenseful buildup... and the vampires aren't even home. That was epically pointless.

Also, we now have two YAABIs in one. First off, that is a TINY area that has been blown up.... way tinier than the previous panel showed, which was at least three feet in every direction! Secondly... what the hell does he mean, there's nobody home?! So they can't even tell? I seem to recall a conversation just a few pages ago that said different:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-cUU5KVcYquQ/VG7voY5qB9I/AAAAAAAAHGU/kcDJyjbTlOg/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B118%2B-%2Bfeelvampires.jpg

So this raises the question: Did LKH manage to forget one of her Sue's magical powers in just a couple of pages, or is Anita lying again to make herself sound cooler? Both the possibilities are equally likely, because suddenly Anita CAN'T tell if there are vampires or not.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-U4mvw0H2Cpg/VG7vooCMTrI/AAAAAAAAHGI/IL4GRJjJTv8/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B119%2B-%2Bfeltempty.jpg

Wow. So by LKH's own admission, Anita is less competent at her supposedly awesome job than Manny The Fucking Idiot? If they call her "The Executioner," they must call Manny "Bringer Of Horrible Bloody Death." I can only imagine what they call vampire slayers with half a brain and some decent skills and tools.

So they wander into a strange brick room that looks pretty run-down compared to the rest of the house, and it has six open coffins in a row. I don't know why vampires never use the nice freshly-painted bedrooms... or since this room has no windows, I don't know why they don't just have some nice beds instead of... coffins. If you were a vampire, would you WANT to sleep in a coffin or a nice twin bed with blankets and sheets?

So they sprinkle holy water and crosses in the coffins and HOT DAMN this is a worthless comic. That's three pages of them doing absolutely nothing, not even establishing some nice atmosphere, and it's produced two different continuity errors. And the blowing-the-door-open thing is even stupider when you realize that since they've pulled up stakes... they might not have locked the door!

Oh, and Manny's going to die:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-s_3U3knevIs/VG7vo1JAK5I/AAAAAAAAHGc/Wq3Yz0abN3c/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B120%2B-%2Bhometodin.jpg

And he's two days from retirement, and he's taught Anita all he has to teach her, and he's getting too old for this job, and blah blah blah Manny's going to die a horrible death. Or at least be so badly maimed that he will have to retire. Either way, goodbye mentor.

And then Manny smells blood. No, I don't know why he ONLY smells it AFTER they've finished wandering through the room. It's not like blood is an elusive, hard-to-pinpoint smell.

And we get confirmation that Anita is a huge lying bitch:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-RO7aCaP9nbE/VG7vpIbHhBI/AAAAAAAAHGQ/F15xJVN8w-E/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B121%2B-%2Bsensevamp.jpg

So Anita was lying a few pages ago when she claimed SHE could sense vampires. Wow. Our heroine is not only a coward, a bully, a murderer and a dumbass, but also a blatant liar. TWICE. And both times it was apparently to make her sound more awesome.

Remind me again why we're supposed to like this bitch?

So they start wandering into the next room and whispering about how they wouldn't leave human servants behind, which is dumb because it's been established that if vampires make eye contact with someone they could control them. For all they know, there's an army of KILLER MAILMEN in the next room, ready to slaughter them with hundreds of pounds of envelopes telling the occupant that they may have already won a million dollars!

But no, it's a naked guy on the ceiling. Just your average suburban decor.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-0ZSNNFc3FdI/VG7vqEg3pII/AAAAAAAAHG4/HchKc7zVXxg/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B122%2B-%2Bnakedguy.jpg

From the size of those speech bubbles, I can tell that God was not generous with that poor man. Or, judging from the size, that poor woman.

Next thing we know, Dolph and the cops have shown up, and as usual several of them are just sorta standing around doing.... nothing. And of course, people are super-worried about Anita's well-being.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-SGzo-P9Lx-I/VG7vqObswBI/AAAAAAAAHGo/OvHjHe0Ly_8/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B123%2B-%2Bfreshly.jpg

... is this a normal police question? You don't have to have seen a lot of corpses... or any at all... to know that "warm corpse" = not dead for long.

So the men start fussing about Anita's well-being (and Manny teleports from being beside Anita to being beside Dolph). Since she's so tuff and manly, she starts bitching, "I am all RIGHT. If we're done I need to go to my day job." Wait, is it day? I can't tell. Apparently in St. Louis, day and night literally look alike. Also, they last about two hours apiece.

So we go to.... an office. I assume Anita works there, but honestly we're not told what this place is. We also don't know what time it is, or what kind of work she did. And her boss Bert immediately has missiles fired at him.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-FGTTa7TEru8/VG7vquAEx9I/AAAAAAAAHG0/fa1giyLhpZE/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B124%2B-%2Bclassicbert.jpg

Which is pretty rich coming from a woman who frequently lies to the police AND her vampire-hunting partner just to make herself look better.

Anyway, since nothing Anita does could ever be considered psychotic, apparently her boss is delighted because the pictures of Anita savagely beating the grieving mother of one of the victims has gotten them lots of positive press. I am going to puke now. And then...

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-mfS3wyYj_hA/VG7vq035mJI/AAAAAAAAHHI/6_dLw9MWilg/s320/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B125%2B-%2Bbert.jpg

Crap, what IS that thing? It looks like somebody stretched out the face of a mannequin! He looks even deader than Anita does!

And since we have to be reminded that Anita is not only badass (HA!) but attractive, we're told that "Most of them asked for you by name, Anita. Some of them weren't wanting you raise anything dead for them either." Ha. Ha. Ha. So funny. Yeah. An erection joke. Which exists just to reinforce that Anita is sexy. Ha. Ha. Ha. Amazingly, despite the subtle and delicate humor of that joke, Anita actually figures it out in one panel instead of taking three or four like with the ass joke.

And there's an ENTIRE PANEL, almost a fifth of the page, devoted to a blond woman we'll never see again saying a single line. So she whines about what a meanie Bert is, and goes into her office. But... oh no, there's a blond guy in a trenchcoat and HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE THOSE BOOTS?

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-BHau9H6MqbU/VG7vrLD5DLI/AAAAAAAAHHE/6HCexvNWjd0/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B126%2B-%2Bboots.jpg

Those boots are SO DAMN UGLY. They look like boots that Imperial stormtroopers would turn down on the basis that they're too unflattering.

In case you're wondering why this comic book will have lovingly-detailed shots of these abysmally ugly boots, the answer is that Laurell K. Hamilton and her husband Whatsisname love wearing some of the ugliest, most unflattering footwear ever inflicted on human eyes. Like, they wear "flame boots" with no sense of irony. And when this was made, her husband had some boots that looked a lot like that. So... there you go. They actually thought something that ugly was what badass assassins would wear.

So anyway, this is the assassin known as Edward, who apparently specializes in killing supernatural creatures. He's also showing that he's wearing a gun, which I'm sure LKH thinks looks badass but which an actual elite assassin wouldn't need to do. Anita starts dribbling about how he's a better killer than her and so on.

And so he reveals the reason he's there:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-pLcDHuQEAUM/VG7vrVVoZkI/AAAAAAAAHHM/SaTASqFVJfY/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B127%2B-%2Bsamecase.jpg

.... okay, WHAT THE FUCK? I knew this was a really shitty excuse for a detective story, but the best LKH can come up with is having some guy come into Anita's office and say, "Hey, guess what, I know where the vampires you're searching for are. You don't actually have to look at clues or evidence or figure out motives. I'm just gonna TELL you the answer."

Again, this story is by the woman who once sniped at Jim Butcher about how wizards were good at magic but not at detective work.

So Edward and Anita exchange witless repartee. Despite claiming a few panels ago that, "If he said he hadn't come here to hurt me, he meant it," Anita's suddenly freaking out about the possibility of Edward hurting her. He hasn't done or said anything threatening, and he's offered her vital infomation, but instead of asking him about it she's acting like a wuss.

And since Anita is SuperSpeshulAwesome, when Anita says that Edward lies when it suits him, he replies,

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-O0fBufTS3P8/VG7vrRfqUzI/AAAAAAAAHHU/uv2hnqCsj5M/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B128%2B-%2Bneverlie.jpg

"It's because you're so awesome and deadly and such a special snowflake, Anita! Plus, you're the author's Sue and thus I'm duty-bound to worship you at all times."

So since Anita's ego has been sufficiently salved, she asks what case they're both working and Eddie says, "One of the bodies you helped find was the wife of a client." Uh, which bodies? Wait, which case are they talked about? So, Anita's going after whoever killed the people and buried them in a field which was... like, a few HOURS ago. What about the pedophile vampire?! Has she just FORGOTTEN that subplot?!

Anita randomly starts prying into who his client is, and when Edward won't answer she starts stomping out... and somehow notices that he's brandishing a big gun even though she's facing away from him.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-dNo31lW_Uqc/VG7vr5YCNhI/AAAAAAAAHHo/flSrbCHH6z0/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B129%2B-%2Bihate.jpg

The sad thing is that this dialogue is actually the best in the entire comic book, and it establishes.... nothing at all. It's filler. For some reason Edward (who is as pallid as Anita for some reason) is offended by this and says, '''"Are you saying I'm a sociopath?" and Anita snipes at him "Absolutely. Stay away from me, Edward."'''

 So... she's not even interested in where the killer vampires are even though he's offering the info on a silver platter?   Ever notice that whenever Anita talks with anyone else, the conversations ends up being all about her? </li>  So she was so scared of Edward that she almost wet herself, yet she's sniping at him on her way out? </li></ol>

Also... where's the backstory? All we know about this guy is that he's an assassin. We don't know how Anita knows him, we don't know why she hates him so much and we don't know how they met. Really, what's all this about? This introduction to Edward is a pretty shitty one because not only is it not Anita's first encounter with him, but we don't know anything about their past!

So being the Strong Tuff Brave Vampire Hunter, Anita goes out and makes her secretary get rid of Edward. Add "wuss" to her list of defects.

Then she goes off to her "real job," aka zombie raising. She's raising some guy in a suit but thinking about Edward.... and maybe this is just me, but I think when dealing with ZOMBIES you should try to keep your mind on them.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-docXPVN2MMw/VG7vr_vu9yI/AAAAAAAAHYo/4G0MLuxtH9o/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B130%2B-%2Bzombie.jpg

No, I don't know why we're being shown the zombie raising. It doesn't add anything except a chance for Anita to go prancing off somewhere where Edward can find her. And of course he does.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-AndKIM_aaIA/VG7vsVdJDlI/AAAAAAAAHYo/mNo8ZYQ2cFQ/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B131%2B-%2Bcrap.jpg

So Anita keeps being bitchy and whiny, even though Edward is being perfectly nice and civil, and even apologizes for pulling a gun on her. And she finally decides to do what Edward has been trying to get her to do for several pages now - TALK. Wow. She just rendered four pages completely pointless. Dear Lord, this comic is horrible.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-mEi26FrLE8o/VG7vsoD7wfI/AAAAAAAAHH0/Xuiwj1tHso8/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B132%2B-%2Bintimate.jpg

Don't worry, Anita. I'm sure "intimate" with Edward will be in one of the forthcoming books.

Anyway, it turns out that he wants to know how many coffins there are and how many bedrooms were lived in. Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Fricking Obvious Show, starring Anita "I Want A Penis" Blake:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-d6Yi0Dvaktc/VG7vszkwgeI/AAAAAAAAHIA/yxLL_S5pyX4/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B133%2B-%2Bfigure.jpg

No, he wanted the bedroom information and the number of coffins so he could tell the real estate agent. YES, OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING, IDIOT! We comic readers are not morons; we can figure out the only possible reason for an assassin to ask a question like that without having Anita take the obvious and make it MORE obvious! This just makes her look even STUPIDER.

So since Edward is way cooler and deadlier than the woman who has to LIE about her abilities and achievements, she tries to horn in by insisting, '''"You tell me where the vamps are hiding and maybe we'll do it together." '''Then since she only knows one meaning of "we'll do it together," she tears off her skimpy clothes and says -

THWACK!

</i>

Okay, all right, no more sex jokes. Seriously, if Edward had seen the beginning of this comic he probably would have laughed until he puked when she made that offer. I've seen vizcachas that are more imposing that her (and if you don't know what that is, google it).

But since he didn't see her lack of asskicking, Edward tells her,''' "Don't let the fact that the vampires nicknamed you the Executioner go to your head, Anita. You're not ready to work with me." '''Which is true - Edward is competent, whereas Anita blusters and lies her way to an illusion of competence. And I suspect LKH knows this, because instead of replying to that, Anita says, "Do you have a nifty nickname among the undead set?"

He does: Death. Uhhhhh... okay. Sounds kind of like a very pretentious and egotistical goth whom nobody likes, but okay. Anita's take on this?

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-EQ35ZDri0gw/VG7vtK9MVPI/AAAAAAAAHH8/baCLDf_jCUM/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B134%2B-%2Bniftier.jpg

Oh, there are way better nicknames than "The Executioner." Like, say... The Slayer, which is a quick, sleek title instead of a mouthful of syllables? The Hunter? The Za Lord? Or how about something descriptive like Lovecraft Hair?

So Anita refuses to dish because Edward won't take her along WAH WAH WAH I'm gonna hold my breath until I die! So Edward threatens to go torture Manny for the information unless she gives it to him, and there is the one actually chilling exchange in the whole story:

<b>"I'm sitting right here. Why aren't you threatening to torture me?"

"I was saving it."

</b>

That is actually a pretty spooky line. So Anita actually gets spooked and asks for some time to think about it, because "when I don't know what to do, my answer is usually no." Yeah, that's a really smart philosophy. And one she will later turn her back on, when it's "when I don't know what to do, I let Nathaniel push me into doing whatever benefits him." So Edward gives her until the next day, which seems quite reasonable for an assassin.

Here's the thing... why doesn't Anita just TELL HIM? I mean, we don't know why she's so opposed to telling him information that could stop a gang of evil vampires from getting away and killing more people. Is it because he kills people? Shock city, toots: so do you! Is it because he wouldn't agree to bring your worthless ass on his vampire-killing trip? Well, I can see why! I mean, would it be SO awful to just tell the guy, "There were six coffins and three bedrooms"?

For that matter, would it be SO horrible to have him kill the Evil People-Killing Vampires who she's gonna kill anyway? I mean, what is Anita's motive in NOT telling Edward anything? It's not like Edward says, "Hey, and every time I kill an evil vampire I'm also going to burn down an orphanage and kick a puppy." WHAT IS HER REASON FOR NOT TELLING HIM? LKH doesn't really give her one!

So Edward gives Anita a number to call if she decides to give him the information.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-liGFzr9f4YE/VG7vtYtn5LI/AAAAAAAAHYo/K4eY0cAl6PQ/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B135%2B-%2Bassassinsr.jpg

 Edward's right. </li>  Edward's right again. </li>  Edward's still right. </li></ol>

I have the feeling that Anita's holding out because he refused to bring her egotistical self along on his vampire-killing spree, because there's no other reason. If she just told Eddie, he might be able to kill the evil vampires and thus save everybody from being killed by them. Except the little boys, because nobody seems to remember the pedophile vampire still wandering around murdering children. I'm weird, because I remember that sort of crap.

But Anita knows EVERYTHING about vampires, so she announces that the vampires are on the run and have already eaten so they won't want any more munchies. Uhhh... at least six vampires (assuming they all live in the same house) drank blood from ONE guy who didn't look too desiccated. I don't see why they wouldn't want to get more than a snack, wherever they're going.

Also, "on the run" in the LKHverse means "has moved to a different part of St. Louis, instead of going to a different city or something."

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-EOyt9RdhPEQ/VG7vt9FuY4I/AAAAAAAAHIg/ClIpeAzaxFY/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B137%2B-%2Borganized.jpg

 So... people who are organized and smart can't possibly be good when they have to do something unexpected. Why not? I mean, wouldn't a group of organized people actually be MORE in control when they have to rush off into the night? Apparently a group of DISORGANIZED people would cope better with unexpected and chaotic events. </li>  LKH's train of thought seems to be "disorganized people clearly are better at doing things suddenly than organized people. If organized people were good at doing things on the fly, they would be disorganized." Because her knowledge of psychology is from studying Martians. </li>  Uh... if I were an evil vampire who likes to kill people in secret... I would ALWAYS be ready to hoof it. I'd always have a place to go to. I wouldn't be "on the fly" because I'm smart enough to think ahead. </li>  But I wouldn't expect Anita to know about that sort of thing - she can barely cope with the present, let alone the future. I'm sure it's a shock to her whenever she receives an electrical bill. </li>  Oh, quit kissing Anita's saggy ass, Edward. It's just creepy. </li></ol>

So Anita insults him one more time, which doesn't seem like a smart thing to do. Fortunately for her, and unfortunately for us, Edward ignores her insults completely.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ju2jnoGOtFQ/VG7vuPQ9lvI/AAAAAAAAHIc/W6OIE2EpvIU/s400/ab%2B-%2Bfd%2B138%2B-%2Bedward%2Band%2Bcar.jpg

Dear Lord, Dolph's mysterious shrinking-head syndrome is CATCHING. And apparently the slit in the back of that coat goes all the way up to Edward's shoulders.

And three other questions that spring to mind:

 Where the hell is Edward's car? How did he get there? </li>  Lights? What time is this? Why is St. Louis always overcast?! </li> <li> Why is nobody hunting the pedophile vampire? </li></ol>