Take the ludicrousness of Sunny, the every-fantasy-trope-that-you-can-cram-in approach of Christopher Paolini, and the psychotic Sue heroine and effeminate bishie vampires of Laurell K. Hamilton... and you've got the infamous Talia Gryphon.

Yes, this may actually be the WORST urban fantasy series in history, and thank Chuck it only lasted four books. Those books are a crazy, violent mess of bad sex, bad action, swollen moist genitals, hilariously bad sex, and widespread molestation of classic literature ranging from Dracula to Lord of the Rings. It literally must be seen to be believed... and then people who HAVE seen it should purge themselves right away."

  • Key To Conflict - Enter our insane psychopath of a Marine parapsychologist who has sex with her patient's brother out in the open. Also Egyptian vampires, Tolkien abuse, shameless LKH worship, and ghostly buggery. I could not make this shit up if I tried.

  • Key To Conspiracy - Marginally better than the original book, but it's basically three ludicrous short stories crammed together. Includes a vampire randomly turning into a dragon, Jack the Vampire Ripper, and Boris and Natasha with their weremoose. Where is squirrel?

  • Key To Redemption - The only thing that can cure the Phantom of the Opera is sex with Gillian's magic private parts, and it's totally not prostitution to have sex for money. Involves tentacle rape, unerotic orgies, and elven erections. Just when you think it can't get worse....

  • Key To Justice - ... we get this book, which manages to thoroughly ass-rape the greatest vampire in history. Also we have angels sans God, golems, and pregnancy woes. Yeah, because we care about that.

What To Read Instead of Talia Gryphon

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