... and their seedy sex lives! News at 11!

NAME: Gianna

And I bet Smeyer pronounces it "Jee-ahnna."

DATE OF BIRTH: Late 1970s

Sniff! She's totally like old and ancient! Once you, like, totally become a legal adult, you're a hag!

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: Gianna was tall, with long, dark hair and olive-toned skin. She was beautiful, for a human.

Which can't compare to Smeyers' absurdly over-the-top vampires and their rocklike skin, sparkles and pastiness! What could be sexier than that? Ugh, she still has MELANIN! Freak! Only super-ultra-mega-albino-white people are hot!

EDUCATION/OCCUPATION: Gianna served as the receptionist and assistant to the Volturi coven.

She was also having a torrid affair with Aro, which the rest of them pretended not to notice.

FAMILY/COVEN RELATIONSHIPS: As a human, Gianna was not considered a member of the Volturi, although she was loyal to them.

Yeah, apparently she has no family or any relationships outside that. Smeyer can't bother to come up with actual backstory for the character! What do you think she is, a writer?

Gianna knew the Volturi‘s secret and kept it, serving them in the hope of one day being turned into a vampire.

Again, why does Smeyer act like becoming a vampire is so speshul and difficult? IT HAPPENS BY ACCIDENT.

And this isn't even a consensual Anne-Rice-type of vampirism, where the vampire has to bite his victim AND have the victim drink some of their blood. All she needs is a quick nip from ANY vampire, and boom, she has her wish. Hell, she doesn't even need to be bitten. She just needs a syringe of their venom - why doesn't she just get somebody to fill that for her, and inject herself?

Unfortunately, the Volturi decided her skills were less valuable than her blood.

Haha, stoopid non-pale woman who has probably dated more than one man in her life! You tried to get in with the vampires for reasons other than Twoo Wuv, which means you're a skank and deserve to die!

Also, what skills?

And that... is the only "other" who serves the Volturi.


The only human.

Okay, allow me to rant about why that is stupid: you cannot run an international empire with JUST vampires, aka people who don't go out in the daylight except when wearing Nazgul cloaks. For instance, pretty sure things like utilities have to be paid by SOMEBODY. There would probably have to be connections to local government to make sure their sanctum isn't disturbed. Hell, they would need people on the outside just to deliver the fucking luxuries in that hotel lobby.

In other words, they would need THIS:

Blade 2 - Lawyer scene

Blade 2 - Lawyer scene

Even authors as stupid as LKH have figured out that vampires would need human lackeys to do their bidding. That's how it's always been in serious vampire literature if there is ANY kind of hierarchy. Otherwise, it doesn't make any logical sense.

And yet we're supposed to buy that the Volturi have ONE FUCKING RECEPTIONIST who is human. They don't have blood donors, they don't have lawyers, they don't have links and emissaries to the outside world so they can work through them. Nope, they just sit around and electricity comes to them!

I guess Smeyer's loathing for humans and perception of vampires as superior in every way (even tho most seem to be jackasses with tiny brains) means that she can't imagine why the vampires would possibly NEED humans. But nobody ever accused Stephenie Meyer of overusing her brain.

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